Misfits Series #2: Clear Your Heart

Broken

Napilitan na lang talaga ako nangumiti dahil sa kahit anong pilit ko na takbuhan siya, si Sheena ay hinding-hindi titigil hangga’t sa masira ako.

Pero . . . as I look at her, I swear, that even I could see the pain and remorse in her eyes, the emptiness, sorrow, naramdaman ko ‘to, pero sino nga ba ako para i-kumpara ang nararamdaman niya sa dinadamdam ko?
We’re so different yet so same . . . hindi nga ba?

And for a while nagulat na lang talaga ako sa sarili ko, dahil sa mga ganitong sitwasyon dati siguro ay puno na ako ng takot, pero sa oras na ’to, para bang wala na akong inisip kung hindi siya, I couldn’t feel anything but pity.

Kasabay ng pag-sampal niya ay sigaw na may halong pag-gigil, lumabas ang mga kasama niya na na-expell na rin, all of them looked full of anguish, all those eyes staring at me with desperation.

She grabbed me by the hair, and I could see her teary eyes, I wanted to speak pero bago ko pa ma-buksan ang aking bibig ay itinulak niya ako sa isang pader and I could see all of them holding their own pair scissors while the others opened up shoe glues.

They dragged my hair back and forth cutting it mercilessly, placing the shoe glue in my hair without any consideration, and yet I didn’t fight back, ’cause there’s no point.

I forced myself to speak up. “Why?”

And for a split of a second, I saw her shed a tear. “Ako pa ang tinanong mo Akira?! Bakit?! Eh, kinuha mo na lahat sa akin! You stole everything from me . . . even my mom! Anong ba ang mayroon sa ’yo na wala sa akin! Bakit ba ikaw na lang palagi! Lahat inagaw mo, pati pag-mamahal ni mama! Tapos tinatanong mo kung bakit?”
Lahat kami ay natahimik, I could see the guilt written in their faces yet I couldn’t even blame them.

“Kaya niyo ba ‘to ginagawa? Para iparamdam ang sakit na nararamdaman niyo?!” I pursed my lips as I try to move pero sa bawat subok ko’y sakit lang ang inabot ko.

She walked even closer to my face. “Oo! Naramdaman mo na ba—”

Bago pa siya sumagot ay pinilit kong tumayo kahit na bawat galaw ay nasasaktan ako. “Pero satingin mo, sa ating dalawa, sino ba talagang mas nasasaktan?”

“Ako o ikaw?”

I could see that she was taken aback but still stifled a sarcastic laugh. “Tignan mo ang sarili mo Akira, nakaka-awa ka! Sugat-sugat ‘yang katawan mo, may tinatago ka pang kadiring ewan sa ulo mo . . .  naka-aawa pero actually deserve mo naman,” pagmamadaling sagot nito, pero kahit anong pagkukunwari niya, kitang-kita ko na sa mga mata niya ang totoo.

“Ang sugat nag-hihilom pero pa’no ka? Alam mo na sa sarili mo na kahit anong gawin mo, kahit anong kalimot mo, hahabulin at hahabulin ka ng konsensiya mo. Who’s the miserable one?”

She kept avoiding my eyes but I never took my eyes off her. “Ano? Hindi ba, ikaw ang mas naka-aawa. Lahat na ginawa mo para sirain ang sarili mo—”

Suddenly, her eyes widen turning to me as she scoffs. “Hindi ba, ikaw rin naman? Hindi ikaw ba’t rin ang sumisira sa sarili mo? So wow Akira, coming from you!”
I thought I found myself guilty, I mean . . . isn’t she’s right?

“You‘re just a coward too, aren’t you just the same as me? Hindi ba at duwag ka rin, you’re not so different at all Akira . . . a coward, that’s what you are, can’t fight back kasi tama naman diba, tumakbo ka Akira, takbo lang, lokohin mo ang sarili mo!”

I trembled, but even though I’m scared to accept the fact na tama lahat ng sinabi niya . . . dahil alam ko sa sarili ko, hindi na, hindi na ngayon.

“You’re right—”

Hindi pa ako tapos pero agad na humalakhak si Sheena at sumagot. “Oh diba?! You’re a coward Akira!”

“Yes, a coward, that’s what I was.”

I gathered all the strength that I have left to smile as I look at each them.

“Alam ko.” I looked at the sky, felt the cold wind blew, sabay lingon sa kanila.

“Pero . . . can’t people change? Can’t I? Sabi nila, pain changes people, it can make them, or break them.”

“I know I’m capable of change, alam ko kung gaano ako nabalot sa ideya na hinding-hindi ako matatangap ng ibang tao, I know how I pretended to be strong para hindi nila isipin na mahina ako, alam ko.”

They all looked at me in disbelief, none of them said a thing, lahat sila ay nakatingin sa akin bakas ang pagsisi sa kanilang mga mukha.

“Sinubukan kong sarilihin ang lahat, sinarili ko ang lahat, pati mga kaibigan ko ay itinakwil ko, itinulak ko pati na ang mga taong nagmamahal sa akin, dahil akala ko kaya ko mag-isa, pero alam mo . . . hindi sila sumuko sa akin.”

I walked a step towards them with the warmest smile I had. “Pinilit ko ang lahat sa sarili ko, nakalimutan ko na may mga tao pala sa tabi ko na hindi nag-sasawa na ipa-alala ang halaga ko.”

I tried to reach for Sheena’s hand pero umatras siya, hindi mawala-wala ang galit sa mga mata nito.

“Salamat.”

Muli akong lumingon sa itaas, patuloy na inaalala ang mga araw na lumipas.
Lahat sila ay nagulat na parang hindi nila ito inaasahan, at kahit anong sabihin ng iba, because of them, I finally realized it.

Even though it’s hard, even though it hurts, in the end . . . I wouldn’t have won this battle without them.

There’s a lot of questions that I still don’t know, but still. “If it weren’t for you. I would’ve lived as a coward.”

“Tumigil ka na! Manahimik ka, shut up! Shut up! Bakit hindi ka nagagalit?! Bakit ka nag-papasalamat!? Are you playing tricks with me?!”

“Nagalit ako, natakot ako, pero bakit? Nai-itidihan ko na kung bakit, and I forgive you . . . but I’ll never ever forget.”

“I don’t need your forgiveness!” she yelled as her tears starts to show.

“But, do you forgive me?” I forced a smile, and I could see how her eyes shifted from anger to sorrow.

She wiped the tears that surrounded her eye. “After everything? The things you stole from me, satingin mo mai-babalik ‘yon kung papatawarin kita?” She turned around and for the last time she glanced at me, gritting her teeth.

“I know . . . for sure, everything will be better Sheena, thank you.”

As they walked away, I grabbed my bag, with my body aching I walked my way home, stumbling every step.

And when I finally look at the doorstep, as I twist the door handle, I saw him staring right through me with a subtle yet gentle look on his face.

“Are you okay?”