Misfits Series #2: Clear Your Heart

Imperceptible

“Filipiniana,” I whispered as the immense feeling of joy overwhelms me, seeing how my mother held it in her arms . . .

Dahan-dahan siyang lumakad sa akin, even though she struggled with each step, forcing to keep her eyes open. “Anak ko, pumunta ka na.” Lumapit siya sa akin hawak-hawak ang aking kamay sabay abot sa akin ng Filipiniana, she smiled widely despite feeling drowsy.

Bago niya pa ako bitawan ay yumakap ako sa kaniya . . . at ayoko na, ayoko na bumitaw.

“Akira, pangako,” bulong niya sabay hikab, she could barely keep her eyes open. “Hinding . . . hindi ko hahayaan na . . . isipin mong mag-isa ka, dahil nandito lang si mama, nandito lang ako . . .”

Bumagsak siya sa aking bigkis, dahan-dahan ko siyang binitawan at inihiga sa sofa. “Mahal na mahal kita, Ma.”

I prepared myself and dressed for the first segment of the pageant . . . we left papa to take care of mama as we make our way to school, hurriedly.

Matapos ang ilang minuto na paglalakad ay sumalubong sa amin si Ranz at Jamie na pasikot-sikot sa gate, para bang hinahanap kami. Patago kaming lumakad sa kanila at nang makita nila kami ay para bang naliwanagan ang mga mukha nila.

Ranz faced me with an unreadable expression. “Sabi mo hindi ka susuko,” bulong nito, er, before I could reason with him he placed his hand on my bald head and mumbled, “Buti at . . . hindi.”

Stephanie covered my head with Jamie’s jacket, lumingon ako sa kaniya ng may pilit na ngiti. “Pangit ba?” tanong ko sa kaniya ngunit hindi siya sumagot at biglaang tumawa.

“Ano ka ba! Pasabog natin ’yan! Let’s go, Akira!” She grabbed me by the hand and started leading me into the backstage.

“You’re finally here!” My teacher exclaimed, pinning the number in my shirt . . . number four, like four leaves clover? Magiging s’werte nga ba ako?

After all that has happened . . . nandito na ako, ilang araw nga lang naman ang lumipas pero bakit parang sobrang layo na ang narating ko.

I could easily hear the cheers and applause outside, I looked at the others who was as nervous as me with a smile on our faces, our advisor walked up to us.

“Let’s begin,” aniya nito habang kami’y pumila sa isang linya.

Naramdaman ang labis na pagkabog ng aking puso . . . each time the line shortened my life has too. Sunod na ako— p’wede pa ba tumakas?!  Gusto ko na mag-back out—

Bago pa ako magtangka na tumakas ay narinig ko na sa emcee ang pangalan ko, oh, gosh. “Let’s bring it up for candidate number four, Akira Agustin!”

“Too late,” I muttered as I take a deep breath before entering the stage.

Chin up, breast out, walk with confidence, go lang!

I felt the eyes staring at me closely, but didn’t mind it, whispers were heard, but I didn’t bother listen . . . this is my time.
“Huh? Kalbo na pala siya? Ano naman ginagawa niya d’yan?”

“Eh, ba’t pa siya sumipot dapat hindi na lang. Akala niya siguro may chance pa siya, pa-awa ka girl?”

Every word felt like daggers pierced straight to my heart, but then—

“Go Akira! Go Akira! Wala siyang paki sa sinasabi ng iba, go, go . . . go, go, go!”

Their voice lifted the burden of my constant pursue of perfection, my unending thirst for acceptance. I walked lightly as my eyes linger on my mama and papa who looked at me with the proudest look on their faces.

“Para sa inyo lahat ng ito . . . at siguro, para sa akin na rin. ”

My eyes lingered on them, kahit na maliban sa kanila . . . lahat ay pinapanood ako ng may mapusok na tingin.

Matapos kong malibot ang buong stage, I took a last look, last glance bago ako tuluyang napa-talikod sa kanila . . . and, that’s when, the sound of whispers overwhelmed me but I dare not turn back . . . I made my way downstairs to backstage, and finally!

I was able to breathe a sigh of relief, simula pa lang pero parang ayoko na. Akala ko ay tapos na ang mga matang mapanghusga ngunit nasa tabi ko lang pala, napalingon ako matapos kong maramdan ang pasulyap-sulyap sa akin ngunit nang huramap ako sa kanila’y ngumiti lamang sila sa akin.

“You did amazing back there, akala ko alam mo na— I mean buti hindi ka sumuko,” aniya ng isa sa mga nakakataas na baitang sa akin.

“If . . . you don’t want to truly hurt my feelings, sabihin niyo na lang ng harap-harapan, ’wag niyo na idaan sa pa-ngiti-ngiti tapos patagong tira, hindi niyo rin kailangan ma-awa dahil wala kayong dapat kaawaan . . . ’cause these,” I uttered pointing my head. “These are what makes me, Akira. This is me.”

I walked my way as my eyes quiver, despite the ferocious act was my trembling hands. I made my way to an empty room as I grab the brush on my pocket, I held it tightly placing it on my chest.

“Mahilig ka talagang magtago, ’no?” His voice was familiar enough. I turned to Ranz with an awkward smile as he approach to me. “No offense ah, ba’t hawak-hawak mo pa rin ’yang brush natin . . . I mean, kailangan mo pa ba ’yan?” He looked at me hesitantly.

“Ito? It’s my lucky charm.”

Sabay kaming natahimik, patingin-tingin, nang bigla siyang umupo sa tabi kong upuan. “Ayos ka lang ba?” pabigla-biglang tanong nito.

I turned to him a with a somewhat confused yet painful look. “Oo, bakit mo naman natanong?” pabiro kong tanong ngunit patuloy pa rin ang pakilatis niya sa akin mukha.

After a second, he shrugged and sighed. “Ano nga bang palag ko sa ’yo? Wala lang, akala ko kasi—”

“Narinig ko ’yong sinasabi nila? Oo, syempre . . .” pangunguna ko sa kaniya.
With a pained look and a bittersweet smile he muttered, “Then . . . once again, are you okay?”

“Maybe? ’Wag ka nga sumimangot d’yan, ’to naman, ano ka si Akira? Ako lang ’to Ranz, don’t you worry okay?” I let out a tender yet somewhat a strained laugh.

“Ikaw, plastic mo sa sarili mo, may patawa-tawa ka pa, you know you can’t fool me . . .” sagot nito sabay hablot sa aking suklay.

“Fake it until you make it, they say,” bulong ko sabay harap sa kaniya.

“Even if I did change myself, hindi naman ibig sabihin no’n magbabago rin sila . . . ano ’yon magic . . . kaya, ayos lang ’yon, hindi naman importante ’yang mga sinasabi nila, diba?”

Bago pa siya sumagot ay napalingon kami sa likod matapos marinig ang aking pangalan.

“Akira, there you are! Malapit na mag-start ang last walk niyo, ano pa ang ginagawa mo d’yan, come on!”

END