Home, Bitter Home

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

The session with my therapist I've been impatiently awaiting all week has finally arrived and here she is behaving as unprofessional as it gets after having the same client for five years.

"You kissed him?!!"

"No he kissed me, Doc you missed the point"

"You went on a date and kissed him. This is good news, you will finally give up all your one night stands"

"Doc!!" I half yelled.

"What?!"

"You missed what I said, I didn't want to kiss him!"

"Then why did you?"

"You asked me to go on a date! Besides, It was all in the heat of the moment, I didn't plan that."

"Ellen that's a good thing, now he can help you heal properly."

"I don't want him to help me 'heal properly' "

"Then what do you want?"

"I don't know, you're the therapist!"

"Ellen if you don't tell me how can I help you"

"I've heard that before"

"You have to let me in, and don't kick every person that tries to have something with you away"

"I've heard that before"

"Then tell me, what haven't you heard before?!!"

"Tsk...What haven't I heard before, more like what you've failed to say."

"Ellen!!"

"You wanna know what I haven't heard before, I haven't heard that is going to be okay, that even though it was my fault and I was a fool, everything would be alright. I was wrong to trust blindly and because of me, a family member is laying six feet under but even though later rather than sooner every single thing would be okay" I felt maybe if I let it out I would feel less stupid but I was wrong, the pain, guilt and anger would never go away.

"Ellen everything will be alright, everything will be okay, you opened up that's good, you just have to...."

"No, it's too late, you can't tell me that now, you said it late and can't change it, but then you're not the person I want to hear it from." I stood up and went back into her office without sparing her a glance, leaving her in the adjoining garden.

I lay in the bathtub knowing that with the 1888 Four Roses I'm drinking my sanity is being washed away.

I remember how normal a person I was before hell hit home. Not an alcoholic, sadistic, egotistical mirage of myself. I knew what I wanted, I had it all planned. There was Clark in the picture, and there was a dog, we laid in the fields watching the sunrise over the horizon with a smile on our faces knowing this is where we wanted to be, in the arms of one another. It was my perfect portrait but he had something else in mind.

They say when life knocks you down you stand up stronger, but I'm waiting to see where my rise come from

I know I shouldn't have done that, it was wrong to drag any vulnerable person into my hell of a life. And Doctor Paige didn't deserve that.
I make mistakes and expect a second chance, I know I'm not perfect but at least I should try.

~~~

Working with your phone constantly buzzing is not easy, it distracts you after you've gained focus. A couple of times I almost threw the phone across my office after checking and seeing the same caller ID every single time.

Like right now....no it's different.

"Hey love!"

"Hey Jo"