Pregnant Pause [H.S]

Chapter 32

Nothing 

In the early days of November, I had my first few Skype calls with Fitz. We had to wait until both of us were home from work: alone, without interruption, and with our laptops in front of us. This usually translated to dinnertime for Fitz and one or two in the morning for me.

Fitz complained that I got to see her in natural light – sunlight shone through a window in her kitchen – while she only saw me by the fairly dull artificial light provided by my laptop. This couldn't be helped. If I lit up my room, Niall would wonder what I was doing awake. I was still treating Fitz as my secret, and I wanted it to stay that way. It was better to talk to her without an agenda; without others asking us what it meant for our relationship. It was something I asked myself often enough, but I reminded myself to let it be. If nothing else, at least I got to talk to her. Hear her voice. See her smile. Listen to her thoughts. Be a part of her life, no matter how small.

And it was so damn wonderful to feel her presence again that I let it become the biggest part of my life without care. I let it take over my thoughts at work because it was better than thinking about numbers and projections. I was more concerned about texting her as she was waking up than I was about being on time for a conference call. Even if it made me feel more flustered at work and staying up at all hours of the night left dark circles under my eyes, it made me happier than I could remember being.

For once, I let that be enough.

*

My father was, unsurprisingly, at work when I arrived at home early Saturday afternoon.

"He was out with a client yesterday afternoon and just had to pop into the office to catch up on what he missed," Muffy explained as she opened the grand wooden door and stepped aside to let me in. "He should be back any minute – he's looking forward to seeing you."

I nodded, sure if I opened my mouth there'd be a biting comment waiting. Instead, I closed the door behind me and removed my jacket, sidestepping Muffy to hang it up in the closet myself. When I turned around, she held out her arms for a hug.

"Oh. Um, okay," I stammered, my gaze falling to her belly. She wore a tightfitting long-sleeved shirt that didn't hide a thing: she was undeniably pregnant. I tried to lean forward for a hug, wary of getting too close and squishing the baby.

Muffy giggled, pulling me in and kissing my cheek as we embraced. "It's all right, Harry," she laughed. "My bump isn't made of glass. It's quite hard, actually. Do you want to feel?"

She took my wrist in her hand and was about to place it over her belly when I pulled away, standoffish and taken aback.

"No," I was quick to say. "That's okay."

She looked tired. There were purple circles underneath her wide eyes, which were sunken in with considerably less spark than usual. She'd put an effort into her appearance – makeup, long hair curled in loose waves, nice clothes – as if I was some special guest who demanded a high level of grooming. But I could read exhaustion in her clear as day, and I recalled that her pregnancy hadn't been an easy one to date.

But she plastered a smile onto her face and chided me for being "just like all men – helpless when it comes to babies," gesturing for me to follow her as she showed me the renovations that she and my father had had done on the house. With great vigour and excitement, she gave me a tour of the basement, the kitchen, the den, the upstairs bathroom, and the master bedroom, all the while watching me for my reactions. I could only smile and nod, assuring her that I liked what they'd done.

In reality, it was odd taking a tour of my own childhood home and finding so little that I recognized. The doorframe of the master bedroom, where my father used to measure my height in pencil, had been painted over. The window on the second floor that I'd broken during a wild party when my father was out of town had been completely replaced. The kitchen cupboards, where I'd used to crawl and curl up while pretending that my father and I were playing hide-and-seek when he was really just working in his home office, had been removed completely to create a more open-concept kitchen.