Suck up | Jeverus

Part 11

He wasn't sure how long he'd been out. Probably an hour or so because when he returned the lights in the house were turned off and the few bedroom windows were the only ones visible.

Severus exhaled, making his way onto the front porch to face the inevitable awkwardness.

This whole trip felt weird. The rushed weekend, the drinking, james' undoubtedly weird attitude. The small gestures and actions that made things even more confusing.

He wasn't sure what he felt. He couldn't say it was attraction but at the same time, denying it felt wrong. He just wished he knew what to do.

Eventually he walked into the now still house, creaking the front door open and being pleasantly surprised at how clean the house had stayed.

He was dreading this, talking with james and having to know what to say to him. More so he was dreading what he was going to say.

He spent the hour he was out pulling apart his brain to find a suitable answer, one that wont end in both of them getting hurt. And he found only one solution.

" you're back." James said softly, still startling severus out of his skin when he saw james standing at the foot of the staircase.

" jesus- why are you just standing in the dark like that?!" Severus yelled, clutching his shirt and recovering from that near heart attack.

" sorry, i was worried so i was waiting." James walked closer, reaching out to grab severus but his hand stopped mid air.

It curled into a fist and dropped to his side, him standing there and waiting for severus to speak.

Severus just looked at him, considering it one more time before clearing his throat and deciding this was the best decision.

" i like y-"

" lets end this."

James was cut off by severus' voice ringing within the silent walls.

After the words left his mouth james stood still, eyes slightly widened and shock overcoming him. He assumed severus would've said something along the lines of ' dont do that' or ' dont whine so much' but he didn't expect him to straight up end it.

" what?" He asked.

Severus scratched the back of his neck, looking around before closing his eyes completely.

" i dont wanna do this. We were bound to break up anyway, and plus i dont want to lie to lily. Lets end this whole thing and go our separate ways yeah?"

They looked at each other for a few more moments, neither moving to leave or to continue.

And then james swallowed and adverted his eyes, laughing small disappointed chuckles and nodding.

" ah yeah......sure."

" you're not mad are you?"

" what-? Oh! no. No, i could never force you." He shook his hands like saying ' no'.

Severus smiled, nodding and making his way past james.

" lets tell them after we go back. It'll be troublesome if it dampens the mood."

" ah yeah. Ok." James just nodded, not moving from where his feet were planted.

" goodnight james." Severus said softly, tilting his head back to look at james.

There was silence, the only noise being heard was the tide crashing onto the shore in the distance.

" goodnight." He said finally and severus walked up the stairs, went into his bedroom and shut the door.

He leaned against it, chest hurting as he furrowed his eyebrows together.

" fuck." He cursed, walking to the bed and laying down on it with his head in his hands.

" what did i do?" He asked himself.

Letting go of james felt like the only rational option. He was never his to begin with and never will be.

It was hopeless hoping for something that would never be a reality. So letting go was right, it ensured they wouldn't get hurt.

And it made the process quicker.

But still.........just because it prevented hurt didn't mean it doesn't hurt a hell of a lot now.

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James walked to the kitchen, glaring angrily at the fridge where just a few hours ago he had severus pushed up against it.

But now it was just known as the moment that ruined it all. His relationship with severus, his feelings, his preference for girls.

Because while severus was out doing whatever he was doing to come to the conclusion ' lets end this', james was questioning his entire existence.

He felt like he didn't even know who he was. He was James potter. He played football and talked up girls, not crush over some guy he hadn't even ever heard of until like a month ago.

But there he was, crushing. And getting crushed by said guy he was crushing on. Because he was supposed to be in love with said guy's best friend but instead he was secretly falling for him.

And he didn't even realize until his kissed him so hard james basically needed a full system reboot to make sense of all this.

So yeah. He likes severus. But severus ended the whole fake relationship thing and probably doesn't even want anything to do with him.

James went to the alcohol cupboard where he knew his parents kept the good stuff and opened a bottle of his dad's favorite whiskey. He poured it into a pathetically small old fashioned glass and took it to the living room.

" he liked it right?" He said out loud.

He had to. He could've pulled away, hell he could've not kissed james. As annoying as he is, he would've worn himself out eventually.

But he kissed him, and now everything was ruined.

The whiskey burned down his throat, almost as much as the words still on the tip of his tongue.

I like you

He would've said it if he wasn't such a coward. But he was. He couldn't confess to the guy he likes and he couldn't even follow through with the ' no getting hurt' plan.

Because it hurt.

God it fucking hurt.