Gem in the Rough

Chapter 41

"Are you sure you're okay to drive back, Kieran?" I ask as we get situated in his car. He's been quiet since my mom found us in Jillian's room and I told her about the letter. It's making me nervous.

"Yeah, I'm good. Are you ready?"

I nod to him and sigh, glancing at the little box of journals in the back seat. We found more of her journals in her closet. My mom wanted me to have them. I don't feel guilty about wanting to read them anymore. She even said in her letter that she would want to share her life with me. This would be the best way to do that. I know Kieran is curious too, but I'm going to leave it to my discretion on how much I share with him. He respects that as far as I can tell.

The car ride is silent. No music, no talking, just breath sounds. The light pelts of rain on the windshield, the wipers moving slowly every couple of moments. We don't know what to say and it's been an exhausting day, but for some reason my insecurities are getting the better of me. Did I do something wrong?

Usually when I'm feeling this way, Kieran would know it and he would stop it right away. He'd tell me to stop worrying about the exact thing I'm thinking about. He isn't doing that now and that's what really concerns me.

I shouldn't rely on him to make me feel secure all the time but there's so much going on that I don't know how to act. I'm guessing it's the same for him and I know I need to show patience, but I can't help the thoughts running through my mind right now.

By the time we get back to my place, my anxiety is through the roof. It doesn't help when Kieran says he's going to stay at his place tonight. My eyes begin to water at their own accord. I will not be this person. I will not cry over something like this.

I nod quickly and get out of the car. I rush to grab the box out of the back and slam the car door, harder than I'd like, but oh well. I give Kieran a quick "goodnight" and walk quickly into my building.

There were no other words exchanged, the "I love you" in my throat too afraid to come out. This is why I was so afraid to say it in the first place. It allows room for rejection and this suffocating feeling in my chest.

I expected him to say something more, to maybe stop me, but there's nothing. I don't hear anything other than the sniffles from my nose and my harshly beating heart.

--

Alice isn't home when I enter the apartment, which isn't too much of a shock. It's Sunday but that doesn't mean there isn't a party to attend, which is a part of her philosophy. I shut the door behind me and lock it, placing my shoes on the mat.

I walk like a zombie through the hallway and to my room, setting the box of journals on my desk along with my purse. Taking my phone from the front pocket to see if I have any text messages. There's one from Alice.

Alice: I hope you had a good day, lady! I'm going to be out tonight, so you can get your freak on with Kieran and be as loud as you want. ;) Love you!

The text makes my tears begin again but I shake it off and text her back.

Me: Thanks, lady. Love you!

After plugging in my phone, I begin to undress, walking into the bathroom to get ready to get in the tub to relax. It's late and tomorrow is Monday. I have to go to class, do some tutoring, and also have shift at the Tech office, so it's going to be a long day. I don't know how I'm going to function not knowing what's going on with Kieran. What's going on with us.

Turning the faucets off after the tub is full, I sprinkle some bath salts and swish them around. Lavender. It's supposed to help you relax and sleep, so we'll see how that goes. My body tenses at the hot temperature of the water but gets used to it after a few seconds. It feels heavenly on my skin that was clammy from the rain.