The Hidden Servant

Chapter Thirty-Seven: Is he even thinking about me?

Recap:
Kacchan stood and walked away further into the forest.
"Stubborn isn't he?" She looked at me.
"Only if he doesn't like you." I glanced at her.
"He likes you?"
"Yeah.. he's friendly with me.. but he doesn't want to marry, let alone princesses his mom chose for him.." I mumbled as she nodded and turned away beginning to leave.
"Ms Sulimanava! What'd.. what'd you mean when you said that this is uhm.. illegal?"
"Huh? This little area you guys are staying in is technically elvish territory. It's trespassing. You can get arrested, or even executed if caught."
"Oh.. well.. it might not.. be illegal for long.." I mumbled.
After she left and I waited for Kacchan to come back.

However, he didn't come back to the hideout..
—

I had waited hours for him to return to the hideout. But, I feel as if it was a waste of time. After the sun set, I headed back. I was notified that he was at the meeting, and that it went well. But, when I went up to his room he wasn't there. Ms Sulimanava had left already. And a lot of the retainers have gone to rest.

My chest felt uneasy, I hadn't thought he was that upset, but he never returned. I even went through the effort of walking back to the hideout just to make sure he didn't go back. He wasn't there. I haven't a clue on where he is. I feel agitated and overwrought. I know he's not necessarily in danger, but still, I feel lost without him around or his orders.
Even after returning back to his room, he wasn't there. So, I decided to sit by his bed and await his return. I hoped that he would have returned the next morning like the previous occasions.

I made him breakfast and sat it by his bedside table waiting for him, but still no return. Eventually, I had to throw it out, I even made him a light lunch, and waited, I had to throw that out too.
I could have eaten it, rather than wasting it, but the food got cold, and reheating it is a huge hassle, also the food wasn't made for me, but someone far more important.

The following juncture, I continued to patiently await his arrival. I didn't make a dinner for him, knowing he probably wouldn't return. And I was right. He didn't, I stayed awake through the night hoping, but hoping was useless.
During the night I walked to the hideout just to reveal nothing. Taking a slow walk back, I wondered if he was eating at all. Or if he was ok. He just disappeared. I even stayed awake throughout the night, and the following morning I asked the queen if she had any idea where he could be, but no avail.

What happened to him.. Was he even really mad? Why'd he disappear? Is he safe? Is he eating? Is he sleeping? Will he return? Is it my fault?.. I hadn't done anything this time..

Is he even thinking about me?..

A few sleepless nights passed. Feeling so restless and restive, not knowing if he may return at night and need something, I couldn't get a wink of sleep. My eyes feeling so heavy, but even after I close them I get a churning feeling in my stomach, feeling queasy, being overwritten with doubt and anxiety. It's impossible for me to sleep.

I need him here.. I don't know what to do with myself. My body feels so weak, however, I still take my time to walk to the hideout every night just to see if he's there- maybe he found a different place to hide knowing I can find this one at ease. He doesn't want to be found.

After night three I stopped checking the hideout. My body feels so debilitated and incapacitated. I know I need sleep, but I feel as if I'll vomit if I try. Once he returns I'll sleep, I'll feel at ease if he returns. Everything will be fine once he returns.

Why won't he return..

I sit by his bed on the floor, my head lolled to the side staring at the door, my bloodshot eyes half lidded. Imagining over and over that the door will open and he'll walk in with muddy boots. He'll tell me to make him food, and to start him a bath.. and while he relaxes I'll clean the muddied floors and boots.. then I'll watch him lay in bed and read the book he's been so focused on. I can't really read well, since I wasn't taught how. Basic education for every kid, not me.. that's my fault. But I can read enough.

Books are fun.. I should teach myself to read better.. once Kacchan gets back.. after Kacchan gets back everything will be fine. I know it. Is he fine though.. he's an alpha, but there's only so much an alpha can do..

Seven days had passed, sleepless, uneasy, enervated and ailing days passed.
I feel especially weak now. Almost two weeks had passed. I'm sure he's fine.. just doing his own thing.

Finally, sliding to the side laying against the cold floor, my never ending stare at the door. I want to sleep, why can't I sleep, this is torture. What energy is my body running off of now? I should have passed out from anemia days ago, but why can't I.. why can't I fall unconscious unwillingly. Trying to close my eyes is torture, but keeping them open is worse. I'm torturing myself. Why should I care so much for what he does.. I'm dependent on him.. without him.. did he run away.. how could he leave me behind.. why go through so much trouble for me if you were just going to leave me behind.. Ah.. maybe he was just acting friendly.. he's a good actor then.. I overthought his entire person, I'm to reliant on him, but with him, what would I be doing now.. maybe.. the same thing I'm doing now, but just in a dustier room.. I prefer this room.
I'm glad I cleaned this room.. is Kacchan..?

Does Kacchan even think of me?.. please think of me too.. come back Kacchan, I may be a lousy servant, but I wish for you to return soon, just to know you're ok..

Do you even think of me?

Staring at the door, I believe it's a hallucination, but someone opened it.. ah..
I exhaled heavily, I'm hallucinating..