The Insanity of a Wallflower

Alive- XLIV

Her shoulders had eased slightly at 'not a nightmare'. How my father's shadow had loomed over us for so many years... even though we were taking our first real steps to leave it behind, there was still some concern other things might be hard to shake off.

"If by 'I wasn't doing anything I'd regret' you mean anything to do with being in Hayden's bed-"

"Which I wasn't." I cut her off, wanting to laugh suddenly but keeping it at bay. "I didn't hang out with Hayden at all. I was on my own entirely, but please..." I hesitated staring at her. I breathed in deep, I kept my eyes away from the perfect room around; the beautiful décor, the immaculate cleanliness, the perfect image.

"Mom, I need to ask something of you." I said tensely. There was a pause after my words, her hands freezing over her plate. She looked back up into my gaze, lowering the silverware uneasily, her eyes dancing back and forth between mine.

"What is it?" she whispered hoarsely. I held her gaze; anticipation, fear, dread starting to creep in. I reached forward, cautiously, before I clasped her hands. She stared in shock at the touch. I felt unsure to even be holding them. Finally though, her own fingers curled around mine. She breathed in deep herself, held that breath for a second, finally exhaling and trying again... calmer.

"What is it, Alys?"

I felt this room no longer reflected my mother. I prayed it didn't. I prayed things really had begun to change. And in these next few words, I would know just how far they had gone.

"I want you to know... I'm okay. Everything's okay." I took a deep breath and held her gaze steadily. "This Friday, at graduation, despite what you are going to see, please just know that."

Her eyes were wide. Her hands tremored slightly. "What did you do?" her rough voice rasped out. But again.... It tapered off at the end. She looked down at our hands clasped tightly together. Two pairs of hands that hadn't held in so long. Two strangers who had finally torn down some of the barriers between them; two souls who were finally seeking out one another.

"We are going to be okay, mom." I said to her instead. "Please trust me. Please believe me."

My mother's gaze found mine again. It went against her grain, her self-made core. We had to be perfect, simple, unseen. She knew this was going to change. She knew I was going to destroy one of the walls we worked so hard to build. My mother could end it all, everything Hayden and I had done, with one phone call. And I was risking it all to tell her. But still.... I wanted to. I needed to.

I pictured crying at the Bureau building. I pictured Tim standing in front of me; of the remembrance I had people around me that could help me... would help me. I wasn't alone. I no longer needed to be the quiet scared child of my past who trusted no one. And I was risking it all... just to trust this one.

"You're my mother" I said helplessly, hanging my head at my own confession, "you are the one I need to be on my side. I don't want to hide things from you anymore. I don't want the wall to remain."

"Does this have to do with our past?" My mother asked. 

"Yes.... and no." I answered honestly, looking into her brown eyes. "What's done is done. I can't change it. But...." I stopped, struggling to find something else to say. Anything that could desperately convince her to trust in me, believe in me, despite what was going to happen. Yet no words came out of my mouth as I could think of nothing else to say.

"We will be okay..." she finished my broken sentence quietly.... Staring into my helpless gaze.

I nodded. Did she believe me? Did she care? Or would this destroy all the advances we've made so far.