The Resident

Chapter 37

Janel came out, dressed in pajama pants and a tee shirt. She stood in the doorway of the kitchen and watched me, until I noticed her there. "Just don't. Don't say anything. I obviously can't take it." I said before she said anything.
"I was only going to thank you for stopping my bad dream. I remember it now. I believe you that I probably screamed in my sleep. Thank you." she said, and turned to walk away.
"What was the dream?" I asked before she got away.
She stopped in her tracks, and didn't look back at me.
"Never mind. I know what it was anyway. Everyone in this building does." I told her.
She looked back at me now, with a quick, nasty look, and turned and walked out.
Epic fail! Nice going Ian! You are being so fucking SMOOTH today, I can't get over it!
You FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I balled my fist up, and my mind searched quickly for something to hit. But somehow, I caught myself and calmed my anger. I'd never done that before. I clenched my lips together, nearly biting through them, closed my eyes, and stretched my hands out, out of the fists they had been shaped into.
"Don't fuck this up Ian. Don't. Fuck. This. Up." I pep talked myself lowly. "You'll never get her back this way. She won't even want you back when she DOES find out you're innocent."

"How am I gonna find that out?" I heard in the doorway. I spun around, busted talking to myself.
Well, maybe her hearing me say I was innocent when I thought no one was listening, would help her to believe me. Or not. Knowing her.
"You'll find it out. I don't care if it takes till we're 70. I'll find the person. And you'll see. You'll see how much useless, unneeded torture and pain you put us both through, because you wouldn't trust me." I said.
"FUCK!!!!! I'm SORRY! I'm so fucking moody today. And I don't know why. I think you got me pregnant last night, I swear. I'm sorry. I'll just not t..." Janel stopped me quickly, and had a concerned look on her face.
"Ian. I forgot to take my pills since the day this all started." she said, very seriously.
"Well, take them now, then. No bigg.......oh.......SHIT." I suddenly realized why she was so concerned.
"No. NO absolutely fucking NO." I said, feeling sick and dizzy now. I looked at her. She burst out in tears, and ran in and plopped on the couch, face down.
I ran in after her.
"Babe....I didn't mean that I wouldn't want to have a baby with you. I want your babies. I want us to have a family someday. And live in England in my house....it would be OUR house.....I just don't want kids YET!" I explained.
"I know. Neither do I." she sobbed.
"Oh thank God. I thought you were mad at me for.....well anyway.....what do we do? How can we make sure you're not pregnant?" I asked, suddenly feeling stupid and confused.
"We can't know until my period is due." how she knew this, I didn't know. But I believed her. She's the woman, after all.
"Ok. So....when's that?" I asked, anxiously.
"I don't know....like 10 more days or so." she said.
"So...we just go on like normal for 10 more days then? And if your period comes, we're all good? But if it doesn't.....?" I tried to get my head straight.
"If it doesn't, then I have NO idea what we do. But it will come. It HAS to come. We're not even together! I won't let my kids have a cheater for a father" Janel said.
OUCH??
I looked at her, and the hurt showed in my face. I could feel it sitting there.
"Do you want me to go, Janel? Maybe you don't love me. And I'm fucking this up anyway. I'm making it worse. You're making it worse....I shouldn't have come here." I said, feeling beaten down.

"I'm sorry Ian." she said.
But that wasn't enough. I walked past her, and went to the bedroom to get my rucksack and pack some clothes. I'd worn these clothes for about an entire WEEK now.
I'd go to the hotel and shower, change, and go back to England.
I packed my shit, and when I walked out of the bedroom to grab my phone, passport and wallet, she looked up at me from the couch and and gasped out loud.
"You're leaving?" she asked, looking shocked. And hurt.
"Yeah. I can't change your mind. I was stupid to think I could. You're too strong a woman. What always made me so proud of you, has now made me give up. I promised myself I wouldn't give up on you, but....I can't stand being this close to you, and not being able to touch you. To love you. To be WITH you. It's killing me. It's torture. If you change your mind, you have my number. And promise me that you will call me the second you get your period, ok? And if you DON'T get it, call me too. I will take care of you. I will do whatever you want to do about it. I will be there with you, no matter what choice you make, ok? And I won't lecture you or give you guilt or hate you. If you keep it, I'll take care of you both for the rest of your lives, and I pray that you would let me be a daddy to it. Because I couldn't live knowing there was a child in this world that came from my own body, that I couldn't be near and watch grow up. Promise me that?
Oh, and one more thing..... PLEASE...don't make any more videos intended to make me slit my fucking wrists, ok? Please don't do that to me. I'm already in enough pain. Give me just a LITTLE break, ok? I do NOT want to see you with other men. Not even shaking hands. That destroyed me. And it still does, to this very second.
I pray with all of my heart and soul that you will see my side and want me.
Because I love you Janel. With everything I have inside of me. But there's obviously no way to show you that, like you want to be shown. So I give up. And it's gonna hurt me physically, to walk out that door now. I'm stalling. Because I want to look at you for just one more second. And when that second's up, I say just ONE MORE......and.....God, I gotta go. Ok. I love you, baby. So much, it hurts more than anything in my entire life ever has....all put together." I told her, and I turned and walked out the door. I had to turn around and go quick, because she had tears running thickly down her face. Huge tears. They were literally huge. And they could easily suck me back in. But nothing was working out right. So I left.