💭𝕎𝕣𝕚𝕥𝕚𝕟𝕘𝕤💭

[14] High and Low

this low-key turned into a vent ,, not what I intended but it actually felt good getting it out ,, hehe. thanks to Blizzy_04 who sparked the idea for a writing about self worth and identity. maybe it's not how everyone else sees it ,, but this is how I do in my own weird way. in no way is this writing fancy ,, this is just raw thoughts and emotions. also there was a drawing I was gonna  do but I'll save that for another day .

the door closes behind me.

and now I'm left with my thoughts and an empty apartment.

everything is by default. I discard my bag somewhere on the floor along with my jacket. my feet are programed to trudge over to my bed room ,, hoping that slumber would come easy for me tonight.

sadly ,, my eyes want to trail off to the mirror that hangs on the living room wall.

''damn ,, I look great. '' is what I'd usually say on a good day.

I don't feel great. why do I feel like this?

I've a tendency to stick my hand inside the mirror and hope I find another side of things. but what am even trying to search for in the mirror? all my eyes can do is pick myself apart. the mirror is reflecting me ,, this reality ,, the room around me so why am I reaching out to the sad reality I'm already in? am I that desperate for a spark of hope???

all I can do is just

lay on the floor right here.

I lost the energy to even try and make it to my bed.

what happened to the me at 12 pm today who was on top of the world?

I always end up like this.

I'm high on my tower of ego only for it to crumple

now I'm stuck in the pit of insecurity ,, where the walls are covered in slime preventing me to ever try to climb my way out.

.
.
.
.

my lips strained ,, attempting to form a smile.

a smile for me and the ceiling.

why does smiling feel like such a different thing now?

it came so naturally when I was surrounded by people who praised me ,, listened to me go on and on about myself or whatever the hell I spouted. they were mesmerized with me.

I love that feeling. the world's my stage. my throne above all ,, as people praise me and my talents. I'm such a likeable person!

but then there's . . almost an alter ego. the me who doesn't like any of that.

what am I even talking about??

I don't know my thoughts are so jumbled.

get it together.

okay.

okay.

I feel like

I'm two people ,, like another's soul is inside me.

one who's borderline narcissistic ,, loves the attention ,, with almost no regard for anybody else ,, just an asshole in general trying to forget about all the things that hurt.

and then there's a gentler one ,, one who's kinder ,, one who wants to stick to herself ,, one who gives way to many fucks. though I wouldn't say she's a better person than the other one either.

they clash and clash

where do they fit in

where do I fit in

do I fit in with the narcissistic assholes or am I a bitter quiet kid with some love left in her heart

it's like water and oil. they don't mix.

and it leads to moments like these.

moments where I lay on the floor ,, just like this.

where my once sky high self worth has now dissolved into this brittle low self worth.

high and low

every day

every day and I still don't understand

this is all a mess

I don't except anyone to understand what I'm even saying cause I explain it awfully ,, heh.

well duh there's someone who knows you think you're the only one who deals with shit like this?

"no but I'll suffer in silence."

and that's why nothing ever gets fixed because you're a dumbass.

the voice in my head immediately comes to taunt me. either with an answer or some remark.

I . .

don't know what else to say.

so many words in a single language and yet I can't even begin to explain correctly how I feel ,, or even carry on.

so I'll just lay here on the floor until morning.

and repeat this entire process again in the days to come.

hehe hate me if you want to after writing this I know I suck.

something most people refuse to believe about me is that I'm a huge asshole.  I do genuinely try to be nice ,, but I don't think I'm that great at it if I'm honest.

all my life I've always thought of myself very highly. it wasn't confidence at that point it might as well have been narcissism. the only people I was ever really nice to were my family. I had no regard for anybody else. but ever since a certain time in my life that wavered. and then I met someone and it even wavered more.  I really wasn't used to the feeling of insecurity nor was I able to handle it.

I'm a lot nicer now. but I still have those asshole qualities.

ik this is super personal ,, nobody signed up to hear my whole ass life story ,, but I'm just a teen tryna figure everything out. this helps me cope.

so I'll conclude it before I go on for the next twenty years about my life ,, haha.

we're all work in progresses. growing up and wondering who we are. the answer will probably never be clear and that's just the sad truth for most people. but in a way I think that's okay because it might enable people to work harder to create their own answer.

life's what you want it to be. don't be like me and let your emotions get the better of you ,, okay?

okay.

I love you. I'm not great at loving as you have read here ,, but I'm trying. so I love you and I hope there's a quality in me that you might find to be redemptive.

🤍