the beautiful and damned - h.s.

thirty-seven

"it's sad to see our skies turn orange
and pink, tried to pull the world back in time, but i have to accept it, to think I could
control the inevitable night
- muscle memory, alayna

𝐉𝐎𝐘𝐂𝐄 𝐑𝐎𝐁𝐈𝐍𝐒

The month of September passed by in no time and quickly enough the green leaves in New York City were replaced with warm tones.

Halloween was approaching faster than ever and it had been over a month since I have had any contact with Harry.

He had completely vanished.

Alex hadn't heard from him since Nellie and I left his apartment and it was hard to stay sane knowing that information.

I was starting to get less and less hopeful that Harry and I would reunite after the first few days.

The first week was the hardest.

I barely slept through the night and I had multiple nightmares. The number of times I woke up in a cold sweat was starting to worry Nellie. I was smoking more than usual to the point where I didn't even care if Nellie or Alex knew. Panic attacks became more frequent at any time and any place. I fucking hated it. Work used to be such a safe space for me but now I felt like I was constantly struggling to do the simplest of tasks. The only good thing that came of work was that it momentarily distracted me from my life for a little bit.

I just wanted Harry.

And the fact that he was out there doing god knows what, possibly putting himself in danger, scared the shit out of me constantly. I knew there was more to it than what he told me...about the Syndicates and Doran, which terrified me most because I was left in the dark.

Every little thing was beginning to remind me of him.

I was at work and a song by his favourite artist began playing. Harry was always a big fan of the Kooks. I remember one night while we were sitting up on the roof of our building, I asked him what his favourite song was. Sway, by the Kooks was his answer and although I would never admit this to him I went home that night and practically listened to their entire discography. As soon as I recognized the song's beat, I had to take a few minutes to myself in the bathroom to calm down. Besides that, Nellie was beginning to get concerned with the amount of sad Taylor Swift I was listening to.

She didn't realize it then, but he really meant something to me...he still does.

I couldn't watch Drag Race anymore because it reminded me of our date and the thought of even watching How I met Your Mother made me miserable because it made me think of all the nights Harry and I fell asleep on my couch watching the show. I couldn't even indulge in cookies anymore because it brought me back to that time in the kitchen. I practically lived in the shirt and boxers he let me keep.

I missed him.

And that was only the first week without him.

The second and third weeks were slightly easier but still rough.

Panic attacks still came along with nightmares, but they weren't as frequent as the previous week. I was still constantly worried about Harry and what he was doing but it started to settle within me that this might be a good thing. Although the nightmares slowed, sleep didn't come any easier and I found myself staring at Harry's phone number for hours.

I knew Nellie and Alex thought I was being dramatic but it wasn't like I was just suddenly going to stop being worried. I just wanted one little sign that he was okay and that I would see him again soon. But with each passing day and there was still nothing, the hope I once held was dimming out slowly.