Virgin Lips

27. Liar, liar pants on fire

I haven't seen Ben in a couple of days, he's been busy with work, but this morning he sent me an odd text.

There's something I need to tell you before someone else does

I racked my brain over and over, trying to understand what that could possibly mean, but I couldn't find an answer. Old-ish me would have obsessed over it, thinking the worst, like, is he sick? Is he getting married? Did he break up with his boyfriend? Or, worse of all, he's he leaving for good? I even asked Valerie if she knew whether something was up with Ben, but she said he seems his usual self.

I have to disagree there. I don't know how can someone like Valerie, who's known him so long, not see that Ben has been acting weird. He seems antsy, worried, anxious, as if there's something that's eating out at him and he doesn't know how to come to the bottom of it. I did ask him if everything was ok, if maybe he got bad news from his family – with his stepdad being ill, you never know. But he said everything's fine, he just needs to talk to me, four eyes, just the two of us.

He made it sound like impending doom. Like it's something that may pull us apart forever, which really worried me, but then Jeremy made me notice that it was probably way less than what it felt like, and that it's just that "we need to talk" in whichever version tends to alarm us way more than it should.

I guess he's right, but it still remains that whatever Ben needs to tell me, it's nothing good. Otherwise why would he say he needs to tell me before someone else does? It must be something I need to know directly from him, and that can only be one of the things I thought. Maybe he's really leaving.

As selfish as it may sound, I really hope it's not true. I'm only now starting to piece my life together, and I don't think I could do it without Ben. I mean, sure, Valerie is huge help, and Jeremy is so supportive it's really amazing, but ... Ben is the one that started it all, so to speak. Not to mention that there is this odd bond between us, something that's more than friendship yet it's not, you know, sentimental.

I laughed to myself, thinking about it as I walked back to the couch. More than friends, less than lovers. That's Reese and Carter. Are we Mr. Reese and Detective Carter? Ben doesn't look like the dark and stormy type that keeps dangerous secrets and hides a deeply troubled past. And I'm not a tough and determined single mother with a moral compass that never strays from the right direction, am I? But it's true that we're more than friends. And I like it.

I've spent most of my life alone, partly my choice, partly my shyness' choice, so having people around me now, and I mean people that really care, is both odd and reassuring. It makes me think my life really can take a detour for the right direction.

If 9 years ago, someone had told me that Jeremy Fahey and I would be a stable couple, I'd have laughed hysterically in their face. Hell, if someone had even only told me that Jeremy had a crush on me and he wasn't acting on it simply because he was just as shy, I would have never believed it.

Nine years ago I was an ambitious nerd that knew what she wanted and was sure she'd get it. Today I'm a confused 29-year-old that's only starting to come out of the mist.

Oh, right. Happy birthday to me. 29 years. I have exactly 365 days to make something of my life, to lay down the first bricks of my new path. That's why I decided that today would be the right time to make a plan ... it turned out to be way harder than I thought it would be. I sat back on the couch, and restarted staring at the same blank Word page. What do I want in life? Where do I see myself, 5 or 10 years from now?

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"Are you sure you don't wanna celebrate?" Jeremy pouted a little. The fact that he was sprawled on my couch, still wearing his police uniform made my heart smile. For a simple reason: it means he's getting used to me, us, my home, being in my life. And I love that.