(3) Not the Same: An All Time Low Fanfiction Romance

Chapter 48: Alone

        Jesus, I didn't realize thinking about kissing Zack would make my heart burn the way it does.

        I ran my fingers through my hair, pausing at the top of my head, knees curled to my chin. I felt like if I put my legs back down, my stomach might open up and spill out its contents. My head was still pounding, and there was nothing I could do to fix this.

        The light chatter of the reporters on the baseball field was the only background noise. I looked down at my phone, pleading for one of them to call me. I knew it was a request I didn't deserve, but I couldn't stop my mind from yawning for it anyway. Wishful thinking was a feat I could never get rid of, no matter how much it made my heart hurt when it didn't come true.

        Why would they want me back, anyway? I lied to Craig all summer, I told him I wasn't seeing Zack, and that he had nothing to worry about. I bit my tongue every time I was on the phone with him, but never had the guts to actually speak up and tell him. He didn't deserve that.

        And Zack, he was the one person that I didn't want to hurt throughout the entire summer. I hadn't realized just how important he was to me until he was walking out the door. I didn't think that the last time I would kiss him would be when getting out of the car. It seemed so simple, so easy and effortless. But right now, I'd give anything for him to comfort me the way he does. I wanted him to brush my hair out my face, hands lingering on my hips while murmuring that he forgave me.

        I needed him like I needed oxygen.

        I flipped open my phone, scrolling through my contacts without a thought. I pulled up one of the last names on my lilst before hitting the green call button. I pressed it to my ear, anticipating it to right once before he hit ignore and send me straight to voicemail. But what I didn't think was that it would sting as much as it did when it continued to ring and ring; I imagined his face behind my eyelids, watching the number as it apeared across the screen of his phone before putting it back into his pocket.

        It was only a moment before the ringing faded into an automatic voicemail. I was happy that I didn't have to hear his voice; it would only enable me to cry.

        When the beep signaled me to speak, I couldn't find my voice. I wasn't sure what I was going to say, I barely thought it through. I just felt like I needed to say something.

        "Uh, hi," I whispered softly, pausing in search of the words that I knew wouldn't come to me. My face became blurry, pooling over and down the sides of my face. I sucked in my breath, not wanting to sob. I tried to sniff, palm rubbing my eyelids.

        "I know you don't want to hear from me ever again, I don't blame you. I'm grateful that you gave me the time of day when we ran into each other, literally. I'm not even sure you'll listen to this whole voicemail, but I promise this will be the only one. I'm not going to ask you for your forgiveness or for you to take me back, because I know I don't deserve it, and I don't deserve you."

        I sniffled again; forearm wiping the tears from my cheeks. I was spilling my heart over a voicemail to a boy that I wanted more than I thought possible. I felt so useless, not being able to do anything about the way he sees me now. There was nothing I could do to embarrass myself more. I needed to lay everything on the table or I would regret it for the rest of my life.

        "I want you to know how sorry I am, Zack. This wasn't what I wanted, this wasn't supposed to happen. I wanted to tell you about everything so badly, but I had no idea how. I'm sorry that I lied, and I'm sorry that I'm so fucked up in the head. I'm sorry for taking off six years ago, and I'm sorry you wasted your time on a person who wasn't worth a second of it. I'm sorry that I never realized just how wonderful you really are and that I was stupid enough to fuck things up between us. You don't have to accept these apologies, because I wouldn't either.

        "I want to thank you for this summer. It's been years since I've felt the way I've felt these last two months, and it's all because of you. You're the nicest guy I've ever met in my entire life, and there is no way for me to thank you for all the things you've done for me. I know thirty years from now, I'll be kicking myself in the ass for giving you up, but you need someone better, someone who will make you happy. I want you to be nothing but happy. You deserve to be happy in everything you do, and you need to always remember that."

        I tripped over my words, trying to find the right ones. It all sounded like a jumbled mess to me, and I just felt stupid. I sucked in an uneven breath, fingers gripping the top of my scalp in misery.

        "I love you, Zack, and I'm so sorry for everything," I whispered softly, voice squeaking with the words as I hit the end button. I let my phone fall to the cushion below me, breaking down once again. I sobbed into my dress, feeling cold in the space I called home.

        I have never felt as alone as I did right then in my entire life.