𝗠𝘆 𝗦𝗮𝘃𝗶𝗼𝗿⁴ // 𝘑𝘢𝘥𝘦𝘯 𝘏𝘰𝘴𝘴𝘭𝘦𝘳

chapter 18

I just know that for the rest of the day multiple people hugged me and talked to me, but I didn't say a word. I was trying my best to stay calm because of kids, but if I spoke one words I'd broke into million pieces.
"Lex, have this."
My sister crouched in front of me and handed me the pill and glass of water.
"Where are kids?"
"Upstairs with mom."
I nodded my head keeping my silence.
I can't face anyone right now. What the fuck has my life turned into just in a one day. I already feel like it's been years. Yet I'm waiting for him to walk in the house and tell me it's late April's fools prank.
It took only my sisters hand to cup my face and turn my head to look at her in the eyes for me to break down again.
She hugged me really tight, and soon I felt Nick's arms around me too.
"It's gonna be alright. Let it out."
"They found some of his genes on the body or something like that, but decided not to go further, because there's no need of doing that since he was the one and only person in the building."
I heard someone say.
"Lex maybe you should go to bed. I'll bring you upstairs."
"No."
I shook my head wiping away  my tears.
"I'm alright."
I got up and walked to the kitchen.
I grabbed whiskey and poured it for myself in the big cup. I could feel people's gaze on me, and Bryce tried to get my drink out of my hand but I pushed him away.
"Bryce leave me alone. I just wanna be alone."

I walked outside and sat behind the gym on the floor.
It just took a moment for me to be alone behind the wall to break down.
My back and head slammed hard against the wall, but I didn't care about the pain. I'd rather have physical than emotional and mental pain.
I sobbed so hard. I wanted to scream. I wanted to scream on top of my lungs. I wanted to punch someone. I wanted to kill someone. I wanted to kill myself because he's dead. He's dead because of me. This too fucking early. He's just 36.
I slammed the back of my hear against the wall until I put in in my hands that were previously holding up my knees to my chest.
It just hurts too much. Too fucking much. It was already dark outside. I could hear that sound of people talking is turning down.

A hand on my knee showed up until it grabbed my hand interweaving it with their.
I looked up to see Addison with bloodshot read eyes, with tears going down her face too.
"I'm so sorry."
"Shh."
We just sat in silence, both sobbing uncontrollably, hand in hand, looking forward.

"Tell me, d-id you make a April's f-fools pr-ank?"
"Y-yeah."
"This year was your turn."
"Y-yeah. I p-pranked him with divorce papers."
"You did that?!"
She started laughing shaking her head.
"You're crazy."
We both laughed while I told her the story.
"I-I remember when w-we were kids, we weren-t allowed to h-have phones. S-so every m-morning we'd p-play chess. And then w-when one loses other ones jump in with winner. And then winner gets the gum, since we only had one pack, we obviously couldn't eat everything right away."
"Yeah, t-that's why he always use-d to t-each k-kids how t-to play."
"And now I'm alone. And I hate it because the last time I remember we played, I won the game. I wish I fucking didn't."
She bursted into more sobs.
I started crying again, rubbing her back in comfort.
"Here."
I handed her my cup and she took a long sip of it.
"You're not alone."
She buried her head in my chest and hugged me tight while my arms were on her back and head.
"I'm s-so sorry that I took him a-away from you."
"No. Y-you made him the happiest. And I'm thankful f-for that. A-and I don't b-blame this on you. It j-just showed how un-der all that f-fa-cade he was s-uch a l-lo-loving person. H-he wou-ld do an-y-thing for t-the on-es he l-love."

We sat there for few more hours, most of the time was silence or our sobs and sniffles.
But I just can't. I simply deny to believe that he is dead.
He is not dead. He can't be.
The voice in my head made it just worse.
"Hey, let's go to bed. Let's go to bed guys, it's 3 am already. You had a long day."
Bryce said before he helped us get up.
This is the part when I turn it off.
"Are kids asleep?"
"Michael is not. Now maybe they woke up too because they've been waking up on every 10 minutes."
"In which room are they?"
"Michael's."
"Okay, I'm going to check on them."
He nodded and gave me simpathetic smile.

I'm such a bad mom. I should've been there today for my kids. Like it's not enough that I took their father from them.

I slowly opened the doors, where Michael was sitting on bed sniffling while Josie and Mason were sleeping beside him.
"Mommy?"
"Hey bub."
We whispered trying not to wake them up.
"Mom?"
Josie mumbled while rubbing her eyes.
"Come sleep with us mom."
Mason mumbled moving a little on the bed.
"Why don't you all come to our room. Bed is bigger."
"Okay."
They all got up and we walked to my and one time Jaden's room. It's not even been a whole day yet, and I feel like it's been years without him. That's how much I grew on him and learned to spend whole days with him.
Michael was on the left side of the bed, then Josie, Mason and I on the other end.
"Mom?"
"Yeah?"
"When is the funeral?"
"Uh, if I'm being honest I didn't talk to anyone. I don't even know."
"O-okay."
"Let's sleep now, okay?"
Silence grew in the room. I think all the alcohol mixed with pill worked magic to make me sleep.

When I woke up after few hours of 'sleep' I walked in the bathroom. I need to fix myself because I'm sure I look like a mess and probably smell on alcohol.
I walked in the shower and washed my hair and my body, before getting out.
I looked at myself in the mirror. I was total mess. I looked like panda, but olus on that they were really puffy.
I took off everything I had on my face and brushed my teeth, before walking out to closet.
I found myself black clothes - some comfortable sweats and tee shirt.
I just left my hair to dry naturally because I'm not in the mental state to dry it, but I still had to put myself in the line.
I walked downstairs, where Amy, John, Addison, Bryce and Eva were.
Amy was talking about some memories with Jaden.
Good thing I took my pill on the time.
"I remember when he told me he was in love with Lexi. And then few years passed and he told me he wants to propose her. He already had a whole plan. He was always bossy, and everything needed to go in his order, but he most of the time needed someone's approval. If they didn't approve it, he'd get mad."
"And how did he propose you?"
Eva, who was now hugging me, asked.
I chuckled a little, taking a deep breath.

°°°°°°°°°°

I'm really missing my grandpa right now :(
words count: 1319