"A couple of months ago I found out that my medication and treatment options were shrinking. I knew my odds weren't that good and I came to terms with it. I wasn't as upset as I probably should have been, but I suppose I'm still processing it now. My feelings might change. However, the one thing I didn't feel, and I don't anticipate on feeling, is helpless.
"I'm not hopeful that the medication will suddenly start working again. Of course I'd love that, but I'm trying to remain as optimistic as I can while also being realistic. So instead of groveling in my misery while thinking of what could have been, I came up with this idea to put my energy into with the time I have left and - well - I was wondering if you'd be able to help me with it."
I take a second to process Robin's words, finding it almost odd how open he is with me and not his own family. We just met yet he's indulging some of his deepest secrets with me, a stranger.
How can he trust me? How does he know I won't go back and tell his family everything he's saying to me? I mean of course I know I won't, but how can he?
"Of course I'll help you," I tell Robin honestly, not knowing exactly what it is he wants help with yet. He smiles at me. "But - but I just don't understand why me. We just met. I could be a horrible person to help you with whatever you need and you wouldn't know."
Robin chuckles and reaches over, giving my shoulder a light squeeze.
"You're not a horrible person, Amelia. Not at all. I've heard the most wonderful things about you from Anne and Gemma and especially Harry. He won't stop gushing about you," Robin says, causing my cheeks to heat up. "It's very obvious he's in love with you and by the way you look at him and interact together, I'd bet that you are too."
I freeze. I knew my feelings for Harry were surpassing just liking him as my boyfriend. I knew I was falling deep into the realm of love, but I didn't realize just how obvious it was.
"I - I - " I stammer, but I find it hard to say anything when my thoughts are barely processing in a timely fashion.
"It's okay," Robin says. He looks out at the garden in front of him, a thoughtful expression on his face. "You don't have to say it out loud but I know."
Maybe I should take Robin's advice and practice saying those words so I can accurately tell Harry how I feel, but for some reason I find myself freezing up.
Of course I love Harry. I think secretly I've known for a while but I'm having a hard time coming to terms with it. I've grown accustomed to pushing away the thought of love and relationships with the fear of getting hurt in the end.
But then somehow Harry weaseled his way into my life and set up camp. I'm not sure what it was about him but it just felt right to be in his presence, is that cheesy to say? I found myself wishing we were together when we were apart, and talking to him quickly turned into my favorite part of the day.
And now...well now that we're together, I just cannot imagine a life without him in it.
"Can I tell you a secret?" I ask Robin, shifting in my chair so my body is angled towards him. "I feel it's only fair since you shared some with me."
Robin grins and gestures for me to continue.
"Of course. I love gossiping," he says.
I smile.
"Well I - uh - I have this senior project that I've been working on. It's a paper and it's supposed to be about someone influential in my life...basically I'm just getting graded on the writing aspect of it but - but I'm planning on writing about Harry," I say. I nervously fiddle with the ring on my thumb. "I don't know if he'll be upset or not but...but he's the most influential person to me. He taught me how to love again and how to feel myself. There's just...something really special about him, and not because he's a famous musician. It has nothing to do with that.
"I realized recently just how much he means to me. I can't picture a life without him, you know? So I just started writing to gather my thoughts, kind of like you did with your journal, and then it just came to me to write about him. I won't publicize it or anything, or even mention his name, but - uh - yeah, that's my secret. I hope he doesn't hate me for it."
I haven't liked keeping this from Harry but I want to present my paper to him when I'm all done and before I submit it to the English department. I want him to know I'm not just using him. He's my muse not because he's a well known celebrity, but because I really am falling in love with the precious person that he is.
Robin just looks at me, taking in my words while silence falls over us. I'm nervous he's going to tell me it's a horrible idea or make some sort of comment about how I shouldn't expose Harry like that, but a grin slowly forms on his face.
"I knew you were in love with him," Robin mutters. He looks away briefly, smiling at the garden in front of us, before turning back to me. "I think Harry will love that, Amelia. Definitely sit down with him and explain when you're ready because sometimes...well sometimes Harry can overthink, but who can't? However, I think once he reads it and you explain everything, he'll absolutely be okay with it. He won't hate you, not in the slightest. He's always loved kind and grand gestures like that and I think it'll mean even more to him coming from you. I truly believe that."
My cheeks burn and I have no doubt that they are a deep rosy color right now.
"Yeah?" I nervously say, although I do feel a lot better knowing I have Robin's approval.
He nods.
"I wouldn't lie to you," he tells me, seriously. "I don't have much time left, Amelia. I'm not trying to build a relationship with you based off of lies. I want to skip to the deep stuff while staying truthful."
I smile, still feeling sad over Robin's predicament but somehow his optimistic and bright personality alleviates some of that pain. He's so joyous and cheerful that I find it hard to believe he has stage four cancer. I could only aspire to have a fraction of the positive outlook on life that he has.
"Me too..." I say. "And thank you, by the way...for your advice and for listening. And if it's okay, I think I want this to just stay between us for the moment before I tell Harry."
"Of course, dear. Just between us. It'll be our secret," Robin says to me.
"Speaking of which...you said earlier you needed my help with something?"
Robin grins as he remembers the initial purpose of our 'secret' conversation.
"Right," he says with a small smile. He then turns to me, his eyes twinkling in the sunlight peeking through the clouds. "I'd like to write a book before I pass and - well - I'd like your help with it."
...
Helloooo if you'd like to revisit this, it is from chapter 49 of Let's Hurt Tonight :)
