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"Jules stop it. Stop stressing about this!" Harrys hands fly up off of the steering wheel, being dramatic.
"I can't! What is the one thing a baby needs?"
"A non-stressed mother." He looks over at me with his eyebrows raised.
"No, a baby needs food. Specifically milk, typically coming for it's mother. Not some bottle mix."
I never thought I would care so much about the milk being a formula mix and not from me but goddamnit I am absolutely stressed. I cannot produce milk. At all. I'm already a failure as a mom.
"Do you know what this baby doesn't have?" I ask Harry while putting on my sunglasses.
"A non-stressed mother?"
"A non-stressed mother." I mock in my best faux British accent. "No! A baby needs breast milk!"
"Jules, you cannot control this. The doctor literally just said two minutes ago that Maddie will be okay with formula. Please my love, just please."
Harry sounds dead exhausted from this ongoing conversation we have been having. He sets his hand on my thigh and rubs his hand up and down to comfort me.
For two weeks now, the most milk I have produced was maybe enough to fill half of a bottle. I am drier than the Sahara Desert.
All throughout my pregnancy I would leak and ruin every bra I wore and now I can barely get a drop. I feel useless.
Cora had given birth to Millie a week after me. Now there is a mini little Cora and Ashton Irwin running around.
Since the moment Millie was born she had been able to feed her and she would have more left out to pump out so she had tons of milk for her. I shouldn't feel the need to compare us to each other but I can't. It's horrible. I am making myself feel terrible.
But now I just stop talking. He doesn't get what I'm saying and it's just making this worst for the both of us. I'm not going to drive a wedge in between us because of this.
Madeline was asleep in the backseat as we drove home from the doctors for her checkup.
It turns out Madeline is a sleeper, just like her momma, thank God for that. She obviously had her moments, like three times a night she would wake us up with crying but either a quick diaper change, a bottle, or even just cradling her for a moment and she was back to sleep in no time.
A lot had changed in these two weeks. We have all learned a lot about each other.
Harry has more tolerance to crying than me.
I was better at feeding her a bottle.
Harry thought babies were made out of glass and was so scared to change her clothes or diapers. It took him a week to get over this.
