TW - derealization, mention of suicide, identity crisis
___
His own mind beating him up, he laid crawled up in the navy blue hammock, eyes up in the sky, watching as the sunlight got blocked off by a bunch of leaves time after time.
He was once again completely lost, completely numb, completely misunderstood.
Misunderstood by his own, blending off self. He struggled to understand who he really was, to know what he really wanted and to feel however a normal person was supposed to feel.
None of it was possible, none of it felt real and from a perspective of another person, he would have probably seemed rather crazy.
From the surface, it would seem like nothing – yet he felt like his breath was cutting shorter and shorter by the minute, his chest being pushed on with a huge pile of guilt and anger, the pressure too strong to handle.
It was like he felt nothing — yet at the same time, he felt everything.
It was building up in his body, his blood boiling and his heart drowning as the weight on his chest pushed it further and further.
He hated everything. The way his mind kept changing it's desires, it's clues and opinions, it's thinking patterns — it was so, so frustrating.
One second, he was hopelessly in love, wanting to hold the adored-one's hand – yet the other, he felt like cutting the boy off, disgust, endless fear of not being able to move and think on his own hitting him hard and heavy.
Afraid of being close to someone. Afraid of being known better by anyone but himself. Afraid of getting pulled under the mat, being manipulated with, being cared for more than deserved.
Afraid of not feeling as free as when he lived by himself, both his mind and his body being locked up in a strict schedule, being forced to do and not do things that could mess with his own mind.
And it was so scary.
He was sure of one thing, though. He knew that no matter how hard he tried and how long he fought for it, nobody could ever feel any type of love or understanding towards him. In his mind, he had flaws; insecurities – ones that were uncureable, forever a red flag, never meant to turn into good qualities of his.
The instant, tiring unstability in his emotions, drove him crazy, a painful, but rather truthful understanding settling up in his mind.
Nobody would ever want a friend with such confusion in absolutely everything, a person with no clue of how their own brain works. A person with such lack of confidence, such ridiculous mood swings and so all over the place mind arrangement that all they can think of is a way to stop existing.
And so, he figured what exactly he had to do; he had to run.
YOU ARE READING
Crossroads | DreamNotFound
FanfictionGoing to the town's famous masquerade, it doesn't really turn out the way he expected as throughout the magical night, he finds himself attracted to another man. Battling with his mind and his emotions, he proceeds to hide the romantic feelings he d...
