A Court of Flames and Shadows

57. Walking Through Fears

Seren got out of bed on trembling legs. Azriel wrapped an arm around her waist and held her elbow in his other hand. "Are you sure about this?" He asked.

She nodded. "I feel disgusting and I need to know." She needed to know if water would hold some new terror for her. Azriel helped her into the bathroom. The tub was already filled. A change of clothes and a few thick towels waited beside it.

Seren pulled away from Azriel and shucked off her nightgown. She paused before a mirror and bit her lip. Scars covered her body. Some of them were small and barely visible. Others were large and ugly. She crossed her arms and stared at herself, trying to get used to the changes. She was so thin. How had she let herself waste away to this extent?

Azriel crossed the room and kissed her cheek, then her neck. "You're all right. Scars fade with time."

She thought of the scars that marred his own body. No, not marred. Seren had never seen them as disfiguring marks on him. They were reminders. Some were trophies. They showed what he had overcome. What he had lived through.

"I just...I need to get used to them." Seren winced, looking at her feet. The soles of them no longer hurt, but she knew there were scars there too. "I can remember what tools were used to create each one. I remember the questions the Spymaster asked me before he did it."

Azriel said nothing. He kept his hands on her shoulders. His wings were slightly flared out, and she knew he was angry even though he hid it. Shadows wove through her hair. They brushed over the worst of her scars, unflinching. Several shadows curled around her hands.

At last, Seren turned away from the mirror. She drew in a steadying breath and eyed the tub. It was large enough to fit several Illyrian warriors. Despite herself, she began to shake. She felt water closing over her head and her lungs burned.

"Breath," Azriel instructed. "Take in a deep breath. You're not underwater."

She obeyed and some of her anxiety faded. Seren gulped and put a foot in the water. It wasn't cold like the lake. It was warm. She put the other foot in and gradually settled herself into the tub. Her heartbeat quickened and she trembled even more. Seren forced herself to remain seated.

Azriel rubbed her neck and shoulders soothingly. "After Elain and Nesta were Made, they said they couldn't stomach baths. The Cauldron was filled with freezing cold liquid. Cassian told me that Nesta forced herself to sit in cold baths for hours on end until she could do it with little fear. I don't know what Elain did."

"I don't know how to swim. Even if they hadn't chained me, it wouldn't have mattered. I would have drowned." Seren dug her nails into her arms, the slight pain grounding her.

"Do you want to learn how to swim?"

She thought of the Sidra and the ocean in the distance. She thought of the pool in the hidden valley. Seren nodded. "Someday, yes." She drew in a deep breath. "You can go now. I'll be all right."

"Are you sure?"

She nodded and Azriel slipped out of the bathroom. Seren swallowed hard and began to scrub herself clean. She left her hair to the last. Water lapped against her collarbone and she gasped. She gripped the edge of the tub and planted her feet on the bottom.

"It's not the lake. I'm fine," she rasped. "It's not the lake. I'm not sinking." She eyed the water nervously. The water was growing cold. Seren let her palms warm. The water reheated and she squeezed her eyes shut. She ducked her head underwater.

Panic flooded her mind and she straightened, tears mixing with the wetness on her cheeks. She smoothed her hair back from her face and drew her knees to her chest. Seren reached for the Bond. Azriel...