my girl

chapter 25

"What?" I watched pure confusion spread across her face..I didn't know what I just said I wasn't thinking clearly I just blurted it out like I always did without any processing and now I would do anything to swallow it back.

My throat lost all its moisture and words failed to form and make their way out.

She stayed in the position she was in when I blurted out that one stupid sentence, her head was pointed down and she seemed to be thinking about something. I was really just planning on making my escape because there is no way I can get myself out of this deep embarrassment.

When I thought things couldn't get any worse she looked up at me ready to say something. Oh fucking hell.

"I can..touch you?" she seemed to be replaying my words in her head, speaking to herself more than me as if she couldn't believe over even process what I just said. I can't believe it either..Now I'm wishing this was a dream more than ever.

I realized I may need to answer..

"I- Uh- forget I said anything" I shut down immediately.

My feet were shaking and my finger tips felt completely numb. I could tell she was thinking or maybe contemplating something, I felt completely embarrassed and more than anything I wanted to disappear and I want it to happen now.

After a brief moment of silence she came up closer to me.

"I don't think you get it." she paused and my heart sunk waiting for what was to be said.

"I know I can touch you, but I won't. I don't.. I don't fucking know!" She gripped her hair and started to pace around the room. At this point I was biting down hard on my bottom lip, I didn't know how to feel since she wasn't giving me much to work with.

I don't understand what she's trying to say? What does she mean by she knows she can touch me? I don't remember ever making that clear. This is all so confusing I wish she would just spit it out already, Whatever it is it's obviously difficult to let out.

And then she spoke..turning my wish into a regret.

"Listen, I don't know what you were thinking but we're just coworkers. I don't want you, why would you think that?. I just pitied you that's all" She paused and I looked at her, then at the ground and never up again.

Her words hurt. Greater than any pain I've ever felt.

I felt the tears coming and I bit my lip harder while shaking my legs. I didn't hear anything from her after she said it, I assumed she was gone but when I looked up, blinked and a tear was cleared I saw that she was in fact still there.

"I-.." she tried to speak, I figure she was moved by the tear. How sympathetic of her.

"Leave." I asserted before she could say another word

And just like that she left without saying anything. She grabbed her jacket and left the bedroom, I heard the door slam confirming she was out the apartment.

I fell forward unto my thighs and just started crying from my soul. I cried for as long as my body needed to and I was unsure how much time had passed. When I finally got the strength to move I curled up on my bed and started crying even harder. Storm got up beside me and tried to brush up against me, I guess that thing about pets sensing when something's wrong with their owners turns out to be true after all.

I rolled over on my back and started to clear the clouds in my mind. No matter how many times I replayed the turn of events in my head nothing seemed to add up or make even the slightest bit of sense. We were perfectly fine last night, we ate food, watched movies, laughed together and even fucking danced around together. I fucking hate her, she never knows who she's going to be, she just skips through all her fucking personalities a day and never chooses one. Even if it's the worst personality at least I'd know that it wouldn't change every fucking forty minutes.

I screamed into my pillow so I wouldn't disturb anyone and even found myself punching it, so hard my wrists started to hurt and my knuckles burnt. How pathetic could I be? I mean really. I genuinely looked within myself and thought Alex would change for me?? aww I really thought this would be like a romance movie where the rebellious character somehow changes for the sweet new girl, well it's real life and those movie tropes don't exist outside of cinema.

I really wanted to hurt myself, for believing a word she said to me. I should've known better, I've seen how she acts around other women who are more attractive than me. tight skirts and tight blouses who had the most flirtatious atmosphere surrounding them, anything that throws themselves her way is perfect for miss Alex Conner I presume. I guess that's where I went wrong, by not throwing myself at her.

My bad I guess..

In the middle of my thinking my stomach growled reminding me that I haven't eaten much so I tried my hardest to slide out of bed and get up, as I got up I saw the food she had bought me sitting on my vanity. I wanted to be petty and not eat it but for some reason I couldn't find the heart not to, knowing she paid for it and this is my problem. I am way too nice to people who aren't deserving and so I turn myself into their doormat then complain when they walk all over me.

After coming to terms with my naivety I finally started eating. She had gotten me a blueberry bagel sandwich and also a blueberry muffin, I'm assuming she found out I liked these from James? aw how cute.  I rolled my eyes.

I drank some water to wash down the food and the bitterness that spread through my mouth and chest. I took some of the vitamin C things that she got me and sat back on my bed. I've been heartbroken before and this felt a lot like it but instead this was without reason and that's what was driving me crazy.

Replaying her words in my head led me to tears again. I understood none of it was my fault but I couldn't help but wonder what could I have done differently. I didn't say anything bad to her I didn't make myself constantly present in her space nor did I make myself pushy when I was around her so why? why did she feel the need to say such things to me?

Why would she "pity" me like she said she did? I'm not some sore lost puppy and I surely didn't play the role of one around her. I haven't shared any of my personal experiences with her so how? it makes no sense.  I feel helpless trying to come to terms with it, I know it may not be much of a big deal to other people or it may seem like I'm overreacting but what she said did really hurt, especially when I genuinely thought we had something going. To just watch everything defuse into thin air breaks everything inside of me and I feel like I didn't try hard enough.

I rolled back onto the bed and checked my phone contemplating whether I should call my mother and have to explain why my eyes are puffy and red or to just turn it off and go to sleep.

I chose sleep.

My mind fell into darkness and I pushed my phone away from me. I don't need anything added to my plate right now.