Come Home To You (Book 1 of You Trilogy)

Kabanata 33

Sobra-sobra ang tahip ng puso ko habang nagmamaneho, hanggang sa maka-uwi sa bahay. I cannot believe my knees are actually wobbling and my damn heart just won't listen. Tinatraydor na naman ako ng sariling puso dahil sa kanya. 

His image flashed in my mind.... his longing eyes haunted me.... fuck! Paano na?!

Paano na...

Paano na ako makakausad nito?

Kase akala ko... wala na eh... pero kanina, kaninang literal na nanginig ako sa presensya niya... at nang kumirot ang puso ko sa pakikipag-tawagan niya kay Angela....nakompirma kong... wala.

Walang pinagbago.

I want to deny it so bad but for what? Lolokohin ko na naman ang sarili ko?! Ayoko na. Ayoko nang tumanggi... kahit ngayon lang. I've been denying it for years.. pero ang totoo.. ilang taon man ang lumipas... gaano man kalalim ang sugat na naiwan... hindi ko siya nakalimutan...fucking shit... ang hirap-hirap niyang kalimutan.

"I hate you Khalil... I hate you.... I hate you so much!"

I hate loving you this hard. I feel so stupid and helpless. 

Nanghihina akong naupo sa sahig ng aking kwarto at pagod na isinandal ang aking likod sa paanan ng kama. I sobbed so hard, wishing I'd ran out of tears and the pain will finally stop.

Tatlong araw matapos ang successful operation ni Kala, the veterinarian advised us she's ready to be discharged. I was there during her operation and recovery. Binalewala ko nalang ang presence ni Khalil, si Kala nalang talaga ang inisip ko. 

I may love him still, but that doesn't mean I will act on it. Natuto na ako. I won't let my emotions drive me anymore. Pagsisihan ko lang iyon panigurado. I also learned that the world does not revolve around someone you love. My world doesn't and shouldn't revolve around him. There's more to life than romantic love.

Sinubok na ang pagmamahal ko sa kanya. Matatag na ito at malalim. Mahirap iwaklit at kalimutan. I know that. Kaya kung sakali mang hindi na talaga ako makahanap ng panibagong pagmamahal, handa na akong mamuhay ng mag-isa. Magpa-party nalang ako at mag-fo-focus sa career. If it's my fate, then I will welcome it. After all, I am my own person. Sino pa ba ang magmamahal, uuwi at uuwian ng sarili ko kundi sarili ko lang din?

"You're going home now, baby..." I talked to Kala when we exited the clinic with her on the pram

She's not yet as energetic as before but she's getting better. Nakakatayo na siya at wala nang naka-kabit na dextrose. I think she misses Bala too, like I do.

Nakayuko ako para mapantayan ang kanyang mata. I am wearing a gray cropped cotton sweatshirt, high waisted black leggings and black shoes. May baseball cap rin akong puti na nakapatong sa aking nakalugay na maiksing buhok.

I smiled when she barked weakly like she recognized me. Mabuti pa siya, hindi ako nakalimutan.

"Are you excited, hmm? You'll meet ate now..." mahina kong sinabi

I am both happy and sad. Happy that she's better and sad... coz, I won't be with her now. Uuwi na eh. 

"Be good okay? I will miss you baby..."

Bumuntong-hininga ako. 

"You're not coming with us?" 

Napatayo ako ng tuwid nang marinig ang kaswal na tanong ni Khalil. Nilingon ko siya at nakitang nakapamulsa habang inaabangan ang aking mata, naninimbang ng reaksyon. Amoy na amoy ko na naman ang pabango niya.

He's wearing a deep blue shirt that hugged his biceps, jeans that emphasized his long firm legs and white sneakers. His clean cut hair and silver watch on his left wrist suit him so well. Heck, here I am praising the bastard again.