[AlexGaskarth] I'm The Only One [Sequel | You're Not The Only One]

[TheEnd]

I didn’t believe him when he said he can fix it, I really didn’t, I had no faith in him, none whatsoever, because he didn’t deserve my faith, didn’t deserve my trust.

There were so many other girls; I feel like I was dating Danny Wornsop, but at least he was honest about getting with all of those girls. Alex cheated on me numerous times, and I still don’t know what the number is, and I don’t think he can count that high.

He didn’t talk about it. When I tried to bring it up, which I had a right to, I have a right to know, he told me that it was the worst times of his life and he doesn’t want to relive it.

It’s not really fair, I don’t understand that. He shouldn’t have lived it. Then he wouldn’t have to relive it when I ask him about it.

We’re not perfect, not even close to it, I don’t really know what we are. I wouldn’t say that we’re together, not yet, I'm not, I can’t really figure out how to trust him.

Once a cheater always a cheater. I was raised well, and I was also raised by a super protective stepdad, but I believe every word he’s ever told me.

And Alex cheated more than once, a lot more than once clearly.

“You don’t know if he’s really changed.” I love my stepdad, my dad, whatever I call him at the time, he’s dad, he’s been my dad for years, I don’t know.

Nodding my head, I bite down on my lower lip, not knowing what to get out of that statement. “I, I just, I don’t know what to do anymore. Part of me wants to give him a chance, let him try to fix it, really let him try, because I’ve been such a bitch. But, the other part of me doesn’t want anything to do with him, at all.”

He lifts his shoulders, letting them fall back down, dropping his fork onto the side of his plate. “Your best bet is as good as mine. I said to drop him the first time he didn’t go to a gallery opening.”

Rolling my eyes, I sigh softly, so conflicted, I don’t even know what to think right now. In my family, pride and joy in the other person’s accomplishments, and I was always happy for him, but I don’t know if he was ever happy for me.

At one point, I thought it was because he wanted his name out there, and just his name, he wanted to be able to say that he’s giving me this great life.

But, it was a lame excuse, and I didn’t really hate it until we broke up, I fed him that excuse, I gave it to him without him even using it.

“I, just, I blamed myself for so long. And really, part of it is my fault. I couldn’t get myself to see what was happening. I was so wrapped up in being the best girlfriend that he probably drowned in guilt.”

I don’t feel bad that he drowned in guilt, he should have. I feel bad that he had to deal with me trying to be the ideal girlfriend when he was so undeserving of anything that I would do.

He’s not going to tell me to give him a chance, I know my dad well enough to know that. Maybe that’s what I wanted to hear, that my actions are justified, that they are right.

When I think about it, how he keeps sending flowers to my door (I hate flowers, they remind me of funerals, but he wouldn’t remember that), keeps sending me letters (that go straight to the shredder), and how he keeps asking the guys to talk him up (they end up failing when they bring up all the bad things), it’s not even working, he isn't fixing anything.

In all honesty, I went into this with an open mind. Flowers are horrible, they end up in my backyard, and I just drop them there, letting them die outside instead of inside my house. The letters, they're typed, I, he can’t even handwrite a letter.

“That’s not your fault, Logan. You were the only one in that relationship.” Saying it like that, like I was the only one in a relationship for two, I don’t know how to react.

It’s the truth, and that scares me. For years, I was in a relationship with my mind and denial and all of these things that weren’t really him.

What sucks is that I can’t stop loving him, My dad says that it takes a while to get over someone, that the only way to get over someone is to find someone else or something else that makes you happy.

I have art, I had art before I had him, and I’ll always have art, art is what I'm good at, but I can’t love it more than I love Alex, I don’t think that’s possible, it’s a different kind of love.

And I just have to wait, and that sucks.

&&.

Closing the door, twisting the knob back, not wanting to make noise, not really sure why, I just don’t want to hear the clicking sound, I'm so done with closing doors, I don’t know, I just, I don’t know anymore.

“Logan,” his voice sends shivers down my spine, and I loll my head back slowly, not ready for this, I'm so confused.

I don’t know what to do, what to think. I'm never not going to love him, but it’s possible to love someone else just as much, like my mom, she was able to do it, she’s living proof.

Turning around to face him, I bite down on my lower lip, watching as he shoves his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “What, Alex?”

We’re not in high school anymore. He needs to stop acting like we are.

“I love you. I love you, okay? And maybe I stopped saying it, but I do. I do love you. I love you so much that it hurts. I drank, I drank a lot, okay, Logan. I drank more than you know and I was a horrible boyfriend. I wish I could change the past. I really do. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who, who makes mistakes. You were perfect, so perfect. And I was horrible. I know you don’t, I know you deserve better, but please Logan, can’t we at least try to go back to the way things were?” He’s practically begging, it’s, I never seen him beg like this before, for anything.

Running a hand through my hair, I sigh softly. “Alex, you, we can’t go back to how things were. You were sleeping around and ignoring me and making me feel like shit. I thought I did something wrong. I, just, I don’t know, Alex. I don’t know anymore.”

A tear slides down his cheek, and I can feel my heart dropping, but I say nothing, I pretend as if I don’t notice it, I can’t, he’d win.

“Logan, please, I'm a fucking mess.”

Shrugging my shoulders, I drop my gaze to my floor, not knowing what to say, I can’t stand seeing him cry, I love him.

He takes a few steps closer to me, right in front of me, inches away, and his hand rests on my waist, and his head lowers down, he presses his lips to mine in a desperate, passionate kiss.

Pulling away, my head aching, my heart beating quickly, he’s a fucking drug. “Fine. I love you. Fuck, Alex, I can’t stop loving you.”