𝐈𝐍𝐅𝐀𝐓𝐔𝐀𝐓𝐄𝐃

forty-two

I had just put Serayah to sleep before he came, so I figured now we would be a good time to see what's wrong with him.

"What you wanted to talk about that night?" I asked and he just kept looking at his phone.

"Avontae?" I called his name out and he put his phone down looking at me.

"I killed a person that gave me life and I'm just now realizing that." He said. "And I walk around like that shit don't get to me and it do.

"It's okay for you to feel that way cause even though what she did was bad that was still someone you cared about." I said.

"I'm not supposed to feel bad bout it cause she deserved it." He said dryly.

"I told you not to blame yourself for what happened." I said

"It's my fault though, I'm the one that took her over there." He said.

"But you didn't know that she was going to do that just like I didn't know that she was gone send Serayah off to a stranger. Yes you could have prevented it by not taking her over there, but you're not responsible for her actions so you're not going to blame yourself for her actions." I said.

"I should've just believed you." He said.

"Whether you like it or not, you was a momma's boy, so of course you would pick her side. The only thing I hold against you was the fact that you pushed what she did aside and didn't think about how that made Serayah feel. I think you were in denial more than anything because that was your mother, the person who been there for you forever that always let you get away with any and everything." I continued.

"You not understanding what I'm tryna say." He said.

"Well what you tryna say then?" I sighed.

"I told you it's just now hitting me that I killed the person that gave me life." He said.

I know this shouldn't be a I told you so moment, but after everything happened I constantly asked if he was okay and he would push his thoughts back.

"I think you tried to convince yourself that you didn't care but deep inside it was eating you up. You think it's bad that you feel bad because what she did was terrible. I told you that it's okay to express yourself because holding it in isn't going to end right at all." I said.

"Just because we're having issues doesn't mean that you should push your feelings back. You're not obligated to express yourself to me but at least talk to somebody cause I can tell when you're not yourself." I said.

"Cause don't nobody care for real. Venting to somebody don't help me cause it ain't nothing somebody can do for real to actually help you get over it. Yeah a person can give you advice or somebody can just feel bad for you, but That can't change how I feel. Cause at the end of the day if I do vent or express myself imma still do what I want to do and I'm not saying in a bad way, I'm saying that cause only I can control what happens to me." He said.

"Holding how I feel inside ain't no different from venting, just one involves me talking to someone instead of handling it on my own. I don't need sympathy." He said.

"I get what you saying, now that I think about it I found out about that the hard way. I vented to my sister all the time not knowing that she never wanted me to get better. People don't always have the best intentions or interests, but even if you just need somebody to listen I'm always here." I shrugged.

"You think I'm a bad parent?" He asked. "Be honest."

"You take care of Serayah and make her happy as a parent should I can't applaud you for doing what you're supposed to do. You and her have a great bond and she loves being around you. I don't have to force you to take care of her at all or provide for her. The mistakes you made putting her in bad environments is bad don't get me wrong that was fucked up, but that doesn't mean you're a bad parent overall it just means that you made a bad decision as a parent and have things to learn and need to grow up which is why I have full custody. So do I think you're a bad parent to Serayah, no. Do I think you're careless, yes." I explained.

"Why you still willing to be here for me even though I did you wrong?" He asked.

"There's no point In me being mean towards you or being against you because that brings no satisfaction to me. I'm not a bitter person and I learned that it's not good to hold a grudge." I explained.

Visiting my father in jail made me realize a lot and look at things differently. I can't move on or look forward to better things in the future if I'm still stuck in the past.

"Can I ask you a question?" I looked at him.

"Yea." He mumbled.

"Why did it take for you to lose me to realize what you actually had?" I asked.

"I didn't appreciate you like I should've and I was too busy doing what I wanted to realize that. Then, once I seen how it affected you and seen how you was bettering yourself made me realize that I really messed up. I can't really explain it how I want to." He said as we held eye contact.
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Ik I ain't update in a while🦦
Thoughts on they conversation🧏🏽‍♀️