Liberosis

Chapter 1

After I've entered the elevator, I press the button for the third floor and stand with my back leaning against the mirror while I wait until I get to my floor. Elevator music is one of my pet hates, makes me want to hit the back of my head against the mirror but before I can go through with my plan, the doors slide open to my floor. I exit and begin walking down the long hallway, I stop just before I get to my door and decide to say my goodbyes to Caleb now. I don't have anyone else to say goodbye to so I might as well get it over and done with.

Caleb is my next-door neighbour who I met on the first day that I moved to New York. He's my best friend, well only friend if we're getting specific. He's a very outgoing and loud person which is nothing like me but we get along like a house on fire. We met in the elevator while I was moving boxes from the lobby, into my apartment. He offered his help which I was apprehensive at first because I hate meeting new people but eventually agreed and the rest is history.

I knock three times on his door and shift from one foot to the other while I wait for him to open the door. The door flies open with speed and makes my hair fly back from the wind. "I was going to beat your ass if you didn't say goodbye to me before you left!" Caleb squeals, obviously excited that I'm here. I cringe at how loud he's being since the neighbours have probably heard him.

I shove my way past his tall body and enter his apartment so we can have more privacy before he can say anything else. "I would never!" I joke as he closes the front door behind him.

"I might not know everything about you but I know how much you hate goodbyes Alexa, you were probably just going to write me a note and leave it at my door." He states with his eyebrows raised.

I giggle and throw myself onto the couch. "Fine, I'll throw the note away and then you'll never know what it said." I joke because little does he know how spot on he was with what my goodbye was going to be.

"Do you want something to drink? How was your last day at work? Was Mary being a little bitch again?" Caleb rants to me while taking a seat next to me on the couch.

"No thanks, I need to finish packing. I need to leave in two hours for the airport. But my last day was okay I guess, I'm sure you know what the answer is to your Mary question." Caleb stormed into my work a couple of weeks back because I was a bit upset after Mary screamed at me in front of everyone in the café when I accidentally broke a cup I was cleaning. Caleb was furious and went down to 'give her a piece of his mind' in his words. Let's just say that a lot of unkind things were said and Caleb was banned from going to the café. I laughed until my stomach hurt when he came to my apartment and told me she banned him and had even took a picture of him to put up on the wall.

"Adam won't be home until later so I can give you a ride to the airport if you want?" He asks me while getting up and walking into the kitchen in which I follow behind. Adam is Caleb's boyfriend. They started dating a couple of years ago, they fight like cat and dog but always make up within an hour. Unfortunately I hear a lot of their fights since they aren't quiet about it and I live next door. They aren't quiet with other things as well but let's not get started on that. Nothing some earphones don't fix.

"It's fine, really. But I better get going, uhm.." I trail off because I don't really know how to say goodbye. I'm only leaving for four weeks, I don't want to be too emotional. But I also don't want to be too cold. And then there's also the fact that I don't want to be awkward-

"Bye Alexa, I love you. Stay safe and keep me updated." Caleb interrupts my thoughts with a big smile because he could obviously see I was overthinking. He leans forwards and wraps his arms around my shoulders, bringing me into a hug.

I lean my head on his chest and wrap my arms around his waist to hug him back. "I love you too, I'll see you soon Cally." I mumble as I pull away and give him a small smile. I make my way out of Caleb's apartment and close the door behind me. I only have to walk a few steps and I'm in front of my apartment. Fumbling with my keys, I find the right one and unlock the front door. Once I have entered my apartment, I close the door behind me and throw my bag onto the kitchen counter. My apartment isn't very big but it always feels lonely, it's never felt like home. Maybe I'll get a cat when I get back, cats are good companions right? Although my allergies won't like me very much if I do get a cat... Maybe it's just me, and not my apartment.

"Guess I need to finish packing..." I whisper to myself as I walk into my bedroom. My suitcase is lying on my bedroom floor, filled with unfolded clothes that I threw in last night before I went to bed.

How am I supposed to pack for a whole month? How am I supposed to know how many pairs of underwear I'll need in the future? How am I supposed to know now what my future self will want to wear when I can hardly make the decision on the day? I ignore my thoughts and begin scanning through my closet to find what else I need to pack.

My phone starts ringing on my bedside table. 'Mom' flashes across the screen, which is the reason for why I decide to ignore the call. I had a good relationship with my parents when I was younger, it all went downhill when the incident happened. I couldn't seem to fully recover after, I lost a lot of relationships including my relationship with my parents. My mom still seems to try and call me from time to time but I never have much to say to her. She doesn't even know I'm going to London for four weeks. I haven't even spoken to my dad since I moved to New York, I haven't seen both of my parents since I moved here. A birthday card with some money arrives in my post every year from my parents but that's the most that they've done for me since then except for the few phone calls I get from my mom.

I lived in San Francisco my whole life, the incident occurred a few months before my seventeenth birthday. After that, I couldn't live there anymore, it was too much for me to handle so as soon as I turned eighteen, I moved to New York. I wanted to get as far away as possible from San Francisco and I haven't looked back.

I've made a lot of progress since I moved here, Caleb has been a great help towards that. He's forced me to leave my apartment when I stayed in bed for days straight, he held me when I couldn't breathe from crying so hard, he brought me my favourite food on days when he knew I hadn't eaten, he has been there for me more than anyone else in my life and I couldn't be more thankful for him. He has been so patient with me, I haven't told him what happened in San Francisco but I don't think that that is something that I ever want to talk about with anyone.

I don't have anxiety attacks as often as I used to which is a plus, I used to have them almost daily. I wouldn't say I'm doing good mentally but I'm better than where I was when I first moved to New York so that's good right? I mean if someone could hear the thoughts that go through my head late at night, it would probably be a different story but let's not get started on that.

My phone finally stops ringing and I exhale the breath I didn't know that I was holding while watching my phone ring. Will I ever be able to move on from my past? I guess not when it still affects me as badly as it still does. The anxiety attacks, the nightmares, I don't think they will ever stop so I'll just carry on living with the pain. That's normal right?

Authors Note:
Annnddddd? What do you guys think?