Even The Playing Field | BOOK #1 IN THE PSU SERIES

forty-four

I nodded, "Yeah. Coach, my dad, Blake's dad, and Karla tried to convince her—but she wouldn't do it." He looked at me in confusion. "Karla was my dad's fiancé when he cheated on her with my mom. She was still a student at Penn State." He nodded.

"I knew that he cheated, but that name sounds familiar." He tried to reason as I shrugged. "I've never met her." I spoke. "But she didn't get the abortion and she was alone for loads of things. Dad found out I was a girl and lost it, hated the idea. My mom's family was somewhat okay but they were all drug addicts." He chuckled.

"Man, you turned out really good for having such a fucked up life." He praised me as I shrugged. "I raised myself and then my grandparents did some." I responded.

"My mom gave birth alone, my dad would come in and out of my life. I would see him just enough every year to make him ineligible for child support." Matti couldn't believe what I was saying. I just continued to trace patterns on his chest. "We needed the money. We really needed it." He didn't respond. He started to play with my hair.

"So—what happened then?" He asked. I sucked in a breath of air, "When I was six—I saw the first three guys come into our home. My mom would do meth, heroin, anything to take herself out of the narrative in front of her, including me." He coughed.

"I knew what sex was from a very young age becuase the men that would come over would tell me what they were going to do to my mom. I would have to listen to it. I would hide in my room, play Disney movies really loudly. Especially Cinderella—I wanted to play it so loud that my own Fairy Godmother would hear it to come and save me." I chuckle as Matti sat up, leaning against my headboard.

I sat diagonally from him, knee's to my chest.

"When I was seven, there was a man so strung off on something that he tried to convince me that I should let him poke me with the needle. It would take me to see my own Cinderella." I didn't dare look up at Matti's eyes.

I could feel his emotions, his anger.

"So when I told my teachers, I got taken away from my mom for a few days. And then, she got me back. Promised she would clean up her act. And she did for a couple months." I chuckled.

"I came home and she was dead. I thought she was just sleeping off her high, I sat with her dead body for a while waiting for her to wake up." Matti gasped and I made eye contact with him and shook my head.

"So. She got taken to the hospital, I had to go in to confirm for sure—it was my mother. Duh. And then we had to plan a funeral." I sniffled, not crying though. "One of her crackheads gave me an allowance of two dollars per week if I fetched him a beer every time he got done sleeping with my mom." I smiled.

"I tried to pay for my mom's funeral expenses with a whole twelve dollars." I chuckled. Matti reached for my ankles and scooted me closer to his body. "Funeral happened, I saw my dad. He took me to my grandparents. Then I was there until it was time for college." I finished my story as he sat quietly.

I wouldn't know how to respond if I was him either.

He just stared at me—again looking through my soul.

I just leaned into him, trying to show him that I was okay. He just watched me—observed me. Not speaking words, and Matti was a man of many words.

Was he okay?

"Quit that," I spoke quietly, but he just continued to look at me. I shoved him playfully. "What? Debating on leaving me now that I told you my real life story at—" I looked over at the clock, "—three thirteen in the morning?" I finished as he just blew air out from between his lips.