In The End

Chapter Twenty Three - Not Until Tomorrow

Seb took me into the kitchen and made me a cup of tea. Everything moved around me in slow motion though and I was having trouble focusing on anything. I'd been here before, felt this innate sense of loss and though I was older, I didn't feel like I was any more capable of understanding it. I wrapped my hands around the cup, its warmth radiated through my fingers, reminding me I was still here, still connected to this world.

Karen came in at some point, but I let Seb talk to her. She left soon after and Seb sat back down at the table, placing a bunch of pamphlets down.

"I should call the funeral home." I mumbled, my voice croaky and dry.

"I can." Seb offered.

I nodded, speaking the words... actually telling the funeral director. I just couldn't face it right now. Seb disappeared for a couple of minutes.

When he returned he explained that they were going to come tonight, and that I could go in at any time leading up to the service. He suggested packing a bag and staying with him next door, just for the night and I agreed. The house was filled with sadness tonight.

Feeling numb I walked up the stairs, with every intention of walking into my room, only I kept going and opened the door to Mom's bedroom. It had been untouched since we'd moved her downstairs. Her bed was made, and all of her things had a place. Stripped of the smell of alcohol I could smell the floral perfume she'd used my entire life. I pulled up her blanket and wrapped it tightly around myself, crying into the covers.

Seb let me know when the funeral director arrived, just in case I wanted to say goodbye then and there. But I couldn't. Facing another goodbye, one that was so final was just too much at that moment. Once hearse had left the driveway Seb returned and held me for what seemed like forever. I was exhausted, mentally, emotionally and physically and Seb could see it.

"I'm going to pack you an overnight bag." He whispered, gently releasing his grip on me.

I must have nodded, because he left the room, it only seemed like a few seconds before he was back with a fully packed bag. I forced myself to sit up, my head so heavy I was surprised I could even remain upright. Seb helped me to my feet and together we walked through the house I've lived in all my life. The house that held so many memories, good and bad.

Once upon a time I'd wanted to leave this tiny little town behind, my dreams too big to be contained. Now all I wanted was to be here, drowning in those memories.

Not tonight though, tonight I needed to sleep.

As soon as we stepped inside, Anne engulfed me in her arms. She told Seb to take my bag up to his room. I had cried so much that although my body shook with emotion, no tears escaped my eyes, now. I was all dried up.

"Come, I'll make you some tea." She said softly, guiding me into the kitchen.

I wasn't thirsty, nor hungry. In fact I was filled with an overwhelming nausea that covered every cell of my being. However, being in Anne's presence made me feel calm so I let her fix me the tea.

Before long, Seb was back beside me, along with Ted. I could tell no one really knew what to say, but that was okay because I didn't feel much like talking. My tea was cold, and I'd barely touched it when seb touched me on the shoulder and suggested bed. My head was in a million places and yet somehow completely devoid of everything.

I nodded, I needed to close my eyes, and if my overwhelmed being allowed it... I needed sleep.

I walked with Seb up to his room. We lay down on his bed together, fully clothed on top of the blankets. It wasn't exactly the hot reunion he'd probably expected. I went to apologize, but almost as if he could read my thoughts he pressed his lips against my forehead and whispered.

"I love you. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."

I closed my eyes and somehow fell asleep. When I woke up sometime in the afternoon I remembered everything that had happened the day before and began to cry. Seb's arms were still around me and he held me as I sobbed against his chest.

"I'm sorry." I cried.

"Em, don't apologize."

"You come back to this, to me a mess. It's hardly romantic." I replied softly.

"I came back to you, because I love you... because you're hurting. Em. Relationships aren't romance all the time. We've gotta fight the hard stuff together."

I smiled, for the first time since Mom had taken her last breath, remembering how she'd told me about her and Dad. They'd fought the hard stuff together, their love had been unending, and even the most heartbreaking part of her story had filled me with love.

"I love you." I whispered. "I'm sorry I hurt you."

"I love you too." Seb whispered. "You don't need to be sorry, we've both made mistakes at one time or another. We're here, together now... that's all that matters."

I buried my head into Seb's chest deeper, his love was holding me together and yet my thoughts were still overwhelmed by memories of my Mom, and this deep dark hole that she'd left in my heart when hers had stopped. I didn't believe in heaven and hell, but right now I wished more than anything that I did. The thought of her being somewhere between, it made me feel comfort. I didn't know how to explain. There was a knock on Seb's door, Anne walked in with a tray of tea and some bagels.

I smiled and sat up, wiping my eyes as I leaned against the head of the bed.

"I know you might not feel like it, but just in case." Anne murmured, placing the tray down on the nightstand. She sat on the bed and placed her hands over mine.

"I'm so sorry, love." She whispered.

"Thank you." I replied, my voice hoarse and on the verge of breaking.

Anne left Seb and I alone and I picked up one of the cups of tea and sipped slowly. I couldn't stop thinking about Mom. About how in her last moments we'd come far. She'd taught me things about love in such a short time, about how it's everlasting and unending. I'd written our story on the pages of a book, in all its gritty glorious pain. I wanted it to be out there even if no one ever read it, just so I could hold it and know my life happened.

"I want to publish my book." I whispered. "And then I want to write about my parents' love."

Seb moved across the bed and put his arm around my shoulder. He pulled me in close and pressed his lips against the top of my head.

"I can send it to all the big names and some indie presses? If you want?"

"I want us to do it together." I whispered. "You edit, and we publish ourselves."

"I like the sound of that." Seb replied. "We could write the one about your parents story together if you'd like? Unless you want to do it on your own?"

I turned my head and looked up at Seb. He hadn't ever let me see his writing before, for a man with such a talent for finding gems he was certainly insecure about his own abilities. I smiled and nodded. I was going to need to go through boxes upon boxes of the evidence of their romance. Right now my heart hurt thinking about it, but sometime soon, when it hurt a little less I knew I was going to need Seb's help.

"I'd love that Seb. Although you've never let me read your work before."

"I know." He replied with a smile.

I placed the tea cup down and sucked in a breath.

"When do we have to see the funeral director?" I whispered.

"Not until tomorrow."

"This is going to sound really weird." I murmured. "But can we go to the carnival?"

Seb nodded, he didn't question me, which was nice because I didn't even know why I wanted to go. I didn't have the answers for him, I just knew I needed to be there.

This time I could kiss him on the ferris wheel, and for a few short minutes I could pretend that we were kids again and nothing could touch us.