enjoy my pain.

prologue

You know that feeling when you're on the verge of sleep, your eyes are very heavy and you seem to keep going in and out of consciousness? Like after a long day on vacation or after you finally get a day to do what you want to do. A special day that doesn't come along all the time... And that moment as you slip into slumber, you aren't exactly thinking of anything, in fact most of the time it's when you're trying so hard not to fall asleep! But it happens anyway of course. I mean that was a great day! You tired yourself out! Now, in this moment, the most inevitable sleep is in store for you. That is the bliss, the moment of peace that everyone should be able to feel every single day. At least that is what I believe and want for myself and those in my life that I love.

Sadly most of us don't get that everyday, in fact some people never get that feeling again after a certain age.. and others never at all. In my twenty years on this earth, I've learned a few things... number one: if a man asks you for help with something, unless it's because you work there or he doesn't know where the sugar isle is, don't do it. Men are too proud to ask women for help and he may be asking for your "help" in a different sense... Number two: keep your head up high, your back straight and your mind open. Believe people when they compliment you (and sound sincere) trust me you can tell, just pay attention to their vibe... Understand that confidence really is key; even if you feel like shit on the inside, If you appear to believe you are a goddess, others will too. And third, but certainly not last: you don't have to be rude or standoffish to properly protect yourself. You'll do just as well with a smile on your face, and remember that karma is a bitch, whatever they have coming will come. But it works both ways so remember to only put good things into the world. Think of the ways a situation could go right and remind yourself often of all of the things you are grateful for! It is not your job to get even or show them what it feels like to be treated the way they treated you. In fact, the best thing you can do is show them just how much better of a person you are. To show them that even though they did so much to tare you down, you are that much stronger than they are. You see, people are not inherently evil. They become that way because of the things they have endured in their lives (Most people that is). They allow themselves to become evil and treat other people poorly because they were not strong enough to show kindness when they were already shown evil. I do not get it. When someone is wronged, why is it that most of the time instead of using that as fuel to show the world that that is not all that there is within it, Instead they become the evil that hurt them and go on to hurt others as a sort of retaliation. Who does that benefit? Does it make you feel better to become the person that hurt you? Why? Causing that same pain for someone else just creates a never ending cycle of hurt that I can't seem to grasp within my mind. Learn to forgive.

It's like sitting down and finally releasing your bladder that you've been holding for hours, just to find that there is no toilet paper next to you... and you're home alone... And the toilet paper you just bought is still in your car. So in turn, you trash every bathroom you enter for the rest of your life that has extra rolls on hand. You had to suffer then, so they must suffer now.

Why not just give the love you've never known? Even though my life sucks sometimes, I still try to help others and make others happy as much as I can. Making someone else's day never fails to cheer me up. 

It's the crisp scent of outside after you've been stuck indoors all day, and the warmth of the sun on your skin as you take it all in. The grass, the sky, the dirt, the cool breeze. The sound of the leaves as they gently run into each other over and over as the wind blows. The way the little bugs seem to dive bomb your eyes and nose as soon as you step into their atmosphere.

No one ever expects the sudden twinge of pain that comes seemingly out of nowhere as the warmth and light is drained from your heart. Sometimes it happens quickly and even though it hurts, the pain is enough to bare. Other times it is slow, drawn out and and painful as the blade of a dagger being pushed into your skin ever so slowly. This has an initial hurt, but of course there is the dreaded twisting of the knife that must inevitably come next.