Unpredictable • cth

44

"No." I panted a lie.

"Don't lie." As I've revealed I can't lie to Ryder for shit.

"I'm not." I panted yet another one.

We had just the sweetest conversation and I didn't want to argue but didn't want to tell him the truth. Especially since I didn't know for certain what caused it.

"Please baby." He whined, I could almost see his pouted lip and his attempt at puppy dog eyes in hope of me giving in.

"I don't think so." I stated simply, this time telling the honest to God truth.

"You don't think so?"

This is what I didn't want. He was more confused now than ever. I couldn't tell him it was a nightmare because it really wasn't. My nightmares contain mirror images of my family, of everyone I love. The thing that overtook me tonight was simply a reenactment and out of body experience of a real event the way it happened.

"I don't know truthfully." I spoke sheepishly, my body slowly lifting off the carpet floor in hopes of trying to calm down the bundle of nerves and constant voices telling me that Ryder doesn't love me.

"Talk to me Ella, that's why I'm here." He cooed, almost whispering as he spoke into the phone line.

"I just love you. So fucking much. But every time I close my eyes all I can see is you kissing me and telling me it means nothing. I can see and feel the broken glass of the picture frame. I can see the look of horror on your face because you thought you couldn't come back from it because you didn't even want to do what you did in the first place. I love you, this Ryder. The one who is sitting on the phone at 2am trying to calm me down, the one who sleeps in my bed and cuddles me, the one who try's to impress my dad. But all I can see right now is the Ryder that tried to make me hate him; the Ryder who broke me."

I had sputtered all the words out in one go, my breath hitching after every few lines. I could tell Ryder was taken back by the entirety of the issue. I would be too, I mean I brought up an issue that has been dormant for years. The purpose of me speaking on this issue was against still unknown. I loved him so much and the idea of losing him broke me in ways unknown.

"You don't have to say anything Ry. Just know that I love you, no one else. What happened tonight is me being in my own head my love. I'm insecure and that's the end of the story. I overthink and overthink, my mind never stops thinking that i'm not good enough for someone like you, that I can't give you what you desire." I sighed, my mind never stopping as I fiddled with my fingers and sat myself back on my bed.

"Baby why would you think that?" I can hear the transparent pain coming through his words. "God I just told you that you are more than enough, that your perfect, your my everything. Ella I'm sorry for everything that I did in the past. The fact that I put you through unbelievable heartache absolutely killed me inside, mainly because I caused it."

"We can't have another sob fest." I confessed. "We need to talk about this, but we've already have. We've talked about it a million times before we even restarted our whole relationship."

"Yes, we have." He spoke trying to reassure my thoughts, trying to make my mind calm.

"Why ruin us before we even have a chance to start?" I questioned.

We both have been living the best and love filled lives. We have been at one with each other for a long while now. The last two weeks have been nothing but pure bliss when it came to Ryder and I, so why screw it  up over a nightmare over something that happened 4 years ago.

"Will you be my girlfriend Ella?" He was hesitate and worried. His whole tone changing and flicking between confident and flirtatious to worried and insecure.