Unpredictable • cth

44

My breath hitched at the realization that he meant every word. He didn't mean what he was saying on a demeaning way. He didn't mean that I thought he wasn't good enough. All the boy meant is that deep down in his own heart he felt like he couldn't give me the love he thought I deserved. When in reality all I wanted and all I deserve is the boy on the other end of this line.

"Ella, your perfect in all sense of the word. I cant be perfect, no matter how hard I try I can't be but I want to be enough. I want your dad to see that I'm trying, that I can give you everything you deserve and more. All I want to do is love you and for a long time I was confused on how to do it right."

My jaw fell open as a single tear sweep down my cheek. This boy has own my heart since I could remember but truthfully now he genuinely did. His words hit me deep, making me rethinking everything that had happened, rethink everything that I had accused him of or said about the boy who was sniffling on the other end of the line. I was sorry, because I didn't realize trying to love me was this hard.

"Ryder I don't deserve to have you love me, but i'm grateful everyday you chose me. You chose me to give your heart to and I will always love you my boy, until the last breath."

Both of us are sniffling but I don't think a single tear as dropped on either side. Truthfully I'm nothing less than an asshole for calling him in the middle of the night with words of accusation dripping of my tongue but I don't think he minded. He told me countless times on this call alone that he loves me endlessly, as I do.

"You can start making promises like that." He chuckled, trying to ease the tension.

Ryder is just like Uncle Luke in that way. When things get much to serious he has to find a way to make a joke or crack an uncalled for smile. They really could be twins in more than just their looks.

"I can make all the promises I want because you and I both know I don't break them." I spoke confidently, my eyes opening and bouncing around my room.

"I really do love you Ella, with every ounce of my body." He spoke raspy yet again, signaling he was starting to get sleepy again. "Can you tell me what sparked all this?"

"If I did you'd want to come over right now." I sighed, my free hand findings it's way into my hair as I tangled the strands around my fingers.

I glanced upward to the clock on my bedside, my eyes scanning over the white numbers not really letting the fact that we've been on the phone for almost an hour fully sink in.

"Did this happen because I wasn't there?" He queered at me, his raspy voice still on full display.

Truthfully I didn't know if the nightmare was sparked from my bad day, nights without Ryder, the anticipation of my father coming home, I really had no clue. I was so confused at it was by the time I woke up why exactly I had the nightmare, no the out of body reenactment, was completely foreign to me.

Though I knew that the one thing I didn't want to happen was Ryder balms himself for something he simply can not control. My nightmares have the bane of my existence since after my mother passed away. They don't stop. They are triggered by an event in my real life and then I find myself fighting, normally my mother, in my mind.

The only time I've seen them calm, sometimes stop for weeks at a time is when my dad is home or Ryder is holding me. Those are really the only two things that can calm me down enough. That may have been the main spark for this new nightmare, the fact that my dad wasn't home, my day was shitty, and I hadn't been in Ryder's arms for two days now as I slept.

I am never this dependent on anyone else. I have never been dependent on my father, as he sometimes isn't home for months at a time. I have never been dependent on Ryder up until recently because I can't seem to sleep without him, like a drug that I can't take enough of. But normally I would never be like this, so fragile.