And Then Death Greeted Me

HEARTBEAT

I am just a dam, trying to hold back an entire ocean.

An ocean of swirling anger, of frustration, of a whirlpool of blackness that threatens to consume me from the inside out.

I hear something. It's quiet, reverberating in my bones like a dull ache. No, not in my bones. It's in my very being, body and soul. In every single minute of every single day of my whole life, it's pounded away inside of me. Steady. Incessant. 

And now I want to make it stop. Crush it like a bug, stamp on it, end it with vicious malice. I don't want to hear my heartbeat anymore.

It's been so long since I've managed to be myself. Since I've managed to not be the ocean. I can't remember a time when I could smile, or laugh, or work or walk or live in earnest truth. I want to feel again, to end the numbness that threatens to suffocate me on a daily basis. 

I've all but forgotten the reason that started this journey, this yellow-brick road of absolute nothingness. It was one step on one road that ended my life as I knew it, one yes or no, one choice in a vat of possible answers, one trek into the unknown... before I fell into a bottomless pit.

My heart beats incessantly, a firm reminder that I'm still here. I haven't drifted away, not yet. However much I wish it were true, that I was gone, so I could start the next great adventure – it isn't true. I'm still here. Still company to my grievances and losses. Alone, but for them.

Alone, but for my pounding heartbeat. It's unceasing, and not just in me. I can hear it outside, far, far away. It sounds altered, a mechanical clicking rather than the natural sound of a warm-blooded animal. It vibrates near me, unsettling and comforting in equal measure. I beg for it to stop, to let me go. 

But...

But.

I hope it doesn't stop. I hope it doesn't let me go. I want it to keep signalling the continuity of my life.

Because no matter how far gone I am - no matter how much I crave the end of this half-life... I don't want to end, not yet. I don't want to close my chapter. I don't want to leave.

I'm not finished yet.

I have so much left to see, to do. I have so much left to experience. I have so much more to say, to so many people. I have so many new people to meet and care for.

I'm not finished yet, I'm not finished yet, I'm not finished yet!

So no matter how hard I want to let myself fade away, to say goodbye to my broken shell of a body, and leave to meet my maker, I simply can't let myself go. I can't leave yet.

I still have a chance to be whole again.

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Hello, everyone! I hope you're having a good day!

I know, I know. I feel as though I've somehow cheated you guys out of a chapter. But I promise, this is the shortest chapter in the entire book. 

Anyway, I know very little happens, but still. What do you guys think is going on? How do you feel about what Vernice said?

I hope you enjoyed today's chapter - and if you did, make sure to vote and share! See you next Friday!