The Spencer Letters

Harry's second.

Found her on her knees, by the bed, with her face buried in her hands, crying with an intensity I had never seen anyone cry before. It was a frightening sight! The blood, the sounds that came out of her, the mess that she made of the apartment, it was a terrifying scene. It was a terrifying feeling, too... no one should love someone to the point of losing themselves like that, to the extent of letting that love be worth more than your dignity, or your life.

How can she love me that way? How can I show her that that's not the right way to love? How can she learn to let me go without destroying herself in the process?

I fell on my knees behind her and put my arms around her body and held her tightly for the longest time while she sobbed harder and screamed and whimpered louder. Took her almost ten whole minutes to stop crying and calm down. And when she did, she waited for me to be the first one to say something. But I didn't know what to say. Or how to justify meeting with Laurel, not in secret but without her knowing.

"Let's take care of that cut" was all I could manage.

I picked up the first aid kit from the bathroom, instructed her to sit on the bed, then brought a chair from the living room to set her foot on top of. While I cleaned the cut, she followed my every move with her eyes, trying to intimidate me into talking, but I was still thinking of the right thing to say. I kept my eyes looking down the whole time.

"You told me I had nothing to worry about." Tired of waiting for me, Stephanie spoke first. "You told me that Laurel being pregnant with your child didn't change anything for us..." she was opening the floor for me to explain.

She flinched and groaned when I disinfected the wound.

"And I meant it" I responded, still looking down at my hands working on her foot. "People have kids with people they're not in love with all the time." I tried to sound as convincing as possible.

But the moment she decided not to respond with a simple "I understand" and move on, I knew that it was going to end badly.

"You don't look like someone who's not in love with her" she accused.

I was wrapping her foot with the bandage and froze for a second. There was nothing I could say to defend that. So, I didn't even try.

"Steph..." I put her foot down and finally directed my eyes at her. "There's nothing between Laurel and me. What you saw was nothing. She finally went to see Brenda after the miscarriage and I offered to get together and talk about it, that's all there is to this" I lied (for what feels like the billionth time).

"Yet she was consoling you?" By this, she meant to tell me she saw LJ's hand touching my face.

"Bren is also my friend. I was upset, too, you know? This could've happened to my child. Besides, Laurel is still my friend, there's nothing wrong in us meeting to talk or in us comforting each other. You should be used to that by now..." I played it off as her being irrationally jealous, as usual.

"If there's nothing wrong about it, then why didn't you tell me you were going to see her?"

Shit! She got me there.

"Because! I knew this is how you were going to get and I wanted to prevent it. It backfired, I see how it was a bad call now." That was the closest I could get to an honest apology.

"If you would've told me, I wouldn't have gone out looking for you, and wouldn't be imagining things you keep saying aren't there but I keep seeing!"

If she pushed one more time I was going to go off like a grenade and tell her she's right, that I am in love with my best friend and that I want out of this relationship, and that I wished I could just move on and out of here giving zero fucks about the consequences.