Fanfiction [MASHIKYU]

4 - 7

Junkyu

The two weeks leading up to the concert might just be the worst two weeks of my life, and I've been on two survival shows so that is saying something.

For one thing, it hurts me to see Mashiho so clearly distraught. He's not himself. Anyone can see that. And it's because of me, he doesn't know how to act and who he is and is confused because of me. If I could just delete myself from the universe to make things easier for him, I would. Secondly, not talking heaps to Mashiho each day makes each day barely worth anything. I want to make him laugh and listen to his stories and feel that connection that I feel whenever we're together, but there's none of that now. We only talk about work, and only when we absolutely need to, and rarely more than a couple of words to each other.

I'm grateful for the concert, though. I'm grateful to have the constant practice pushing my body to its edge every day, giving me a purpose. I try to stay in the Idol Junkyu mindset as much as I can, both for my sake and everyone else's. I can't disappoint our fans just because I'm having a romantic drama with another member. We should make it public, I think sarcastically, bet that would make us more popular.

As I sit in front of a mirror in the green room, getting my hair done for the concert, I see reflected there Hyunsuk coming up to Jihoon behind me. The room is noisy with hairdryers and conversations and the chatter and chants and buzz of the live audience above us as they fill up the venue, but I strain my ears so that I can still hear their hushed conversation.

"Mashiho's not coming to dinner tonight," Hyunsuk says.

Jihoon lets out a frustrated huff of air. "You're kidding. What's the excuse he's come up with this time?"

"Tired, apparently. I think I'm going to stay at the dorm with him so he's not alone."

"Are you sure? I can do it, if you want," Jihoon offers.

Hyunsuk shakes his head and smiles sadly. "No, I don't want you to miss out."

"Neither of us should have to miss out."

I miss the next part of their conversation because the stylist doing my hair turns on the blowdryer to fluff it up a bit, but they're still talking by the time she turns it off.

"Don't tell Junkyu," Hyunsuk says to Jihoon, dropping his voice even lower. I don't think they realise I'm the one in the chair right in front of them. "He can just find out after the concert. I don't want to upset him any more, or have anything else take away his focus."

"Yeah, definitely."

My stomach churns unpleasantly as I look out the corner of my eye and catch Mashiho getting his own hair done a few seats away from me, a vacant look in his eyes. Tonight all of us were supposed to go out for a late dinner together to celebrate pulling off the concert. I never thought Mashiho would pull out of what's supposed to be a fun and happy group event like that just because he wants to avoid me. Then again, I didn't expect him to avoid me in the first place. What if he never stops avoiding me? Or maybe he will, but we'll never go back to normal. Maybe we'll always be terribly awkward around each other from now on. It hurts to think about. But honestly, going back to normal hurts to think about as well. How will I ever get over him when I'm so close to him? I want so desperately for us to be something more than we are, but what am I going to do? Cuff him and hold him captive and force him to say he loves me? More than anything I just want him to be okay. Him not speaking to me, or seemingly much to anyone, freaks me out. I'm worried he's spiralling into someplace dangerous, and I have no idea how to stop it. I want to help him, to talk him through anything he needs to talk about, but how can I do that when the last person he wants to be around is me?