Fanfiction [MASHIKYU]

4 - 2

Mashiho

The moment I exit our room, I'm hit with a derealisation so strong it knocks me to the ground. On my hands and knees, I lose sense of everything around me and I'm floating up, up out of my body and out of this dorm and out of this life and I am nothing and nothing is here and nothing is real.

It is real, Mashiho, it is real! Snap out of it!

I can't snap out of it. I hear, distorted, the sound of my own breathing, heavy and laboured as I desperately try to bring myself back to reality, wanting to think clearly, wanting to be in the moment because this is an important moment and this cannot be happening right now. But the harder I try to come back, the more everything slips away from me and the further I slip away from myself.

"Come back!" I hear myself wheeze, trying to shout at the world that's gone unreal on me, but unable to get better sound out. "Be real! Just this once! Please!"

I'm vaguely aware of Jaehyuk next to me then. I don't know where he came from and I can barely hear the words he's saying or feel his arm around my back or his hand on my arm. I go limp and offer no resistance as he scoops me up in his arms and carries me into his room. I swipe at my ears, trying to free them of the cotton balls that must have been put in there... but of course nothing is there. Nothing is real. Nothing.

I've been placed on the bed, sitting upright, with Jaehyuk and Asahi on either side of me, but they keep grabbing me behind my back or behind my head, which must keep lolling back. My chest feels weird. Is it my heartbeat? I don't know. This isn't happening. This is a dream. It must be.

No, it's real. It's happening. Wake up, be here!

I can't wake up. I am awake but I am not awake. They're saying things and I can hear them but I can't listen to them and their words are falling far, far away into the distance.

This goes on for a very long time. Them talking to me. Me not understanding. Me not being able to feel the bed underneath me or their hands on me or even meet them straight in their concerned eyes. Long time. Very long time.

And then Asahi is pulling me into him and Jaehyuk is rubbing my back.

Wait... Jaehyuk is rubbing my back. I can't see him rubbing my back. I feel him rubbing my back.

And slowly, slowly, the world returns. I can feel my heart beating in my chest and the rapid breaths I'm taking. I can feel the warmth inside Asahi's arms and the smooth material of his oversized t-shirt. I can hear that they're not talking anymore.

And I am very, very aware of what just happened.

"I'm okay," I whimper into Asahi's shirt.

He straight away tenses up and pulls away from me to look me in the eyes. "You are?"

I nod, feeling guilt pulse through me, dark green and icky, at the fear written all over his face. "I am. I'm sorry that happened..."

"What did happen?" I hear Jaehyuk ask from behind me, I swivel around to see a similar expression on his face to Asahi's. "We thought you might be having a panic attack?"

I swallow, my mouth feeling very dry. "Oh, no, I..." but then I remember how distressed I felt at the derealisation. "Actually, maybe I was having a panic attack as well, but... the main thing was the derealisation."

Jaehyuk cocks his head, confused. I do my best to explain it to both of them, my words stumbling over each other and not making much sense at all, nothing I can say doing justice to what the last however many minutes or hours actually felt like, but I do my best.

"That sounds awful," Jaehyuk says. The fear on his face is replaced by intense sympathy, and I'm not sure which is worse. "I had no idea that happened to you."

"It's... usually not this bad," I say, taking a shaky breath.

Asahi hasn't removed one of his arms from around me. "Why was it so bad this time? Did something happen?"

Yes, everything did.

And I just ran away from it all.

"Can I sleep here tonight?" I dodge his question.

Although the thing I want most in the world at this moment is to be back in Junkyu's arms, I can't go back to him right now. I don't even know what I would say. I don't know what I'm thinking or what I'm feeling.

Asahi and Jaehyuk exchange a look, then tell me of course I can. And not long after, they're together in the lower bunk and I'm up the top. Now, in the dark, I can try to sort out the million thoughts in my head.

I've never wanted to kiss anyone before. Not a single person in my entire life. But in that moment with Junkyu, it felt... it felt like something that just had to happen. It felt so right. And in that moment I wanted more than to kiss him. I wanted him to be mine. For me to be his. I wanted us.

But is that really what I want? I'm so confused. I've never thought about Junkyu in that way until just now.

Suddenly, I'm hit with the memory of him falling off the stage. Of Yoshi restraining me. Of me not being able to think of anything else but him from the moment he fell, and feeling that fierce desperation to be beside him, of not being able to sleep, of rushing to the hospital as soon as I was able to. No one else was like that. I'm not the only one who's close to Junkyu, there are others who have known him much longer than I have. But I was the only one who behaved that way. I know they were really worried, but they weren't out of control. Would I have been like that for the other members?

Would I want to sleep in the same bed as another member every night?

Do I feel as happy with other members as I do with Junkyu?

Do I think of the other members as much as I think of Junkyu?

And Junkyu aside... I didn't even know I was... gay? Am I gay? I've never liked a girl before, and now I like a boy... but I've never liked any other boys before either.

This thought just makes everything in my head get jumbled up all over again, back to square one, and I feel like my whole body has gone into shock. It's not that I have a problem with being gay, I've floated the idea before, and I've never judged anyone for their sexuality... but I never really believed it would apply to me. The label feels wrong in my head, like it doesn't belong there. It makes me feel sick.

And now I'm freaking out that I have some kind of internalised homophobia and I've been repressing my sexuality all this time to the point where I just couldn't anymore.

This is too much. I wasn't ready for this. I can't do this. Any of it. It's too confusing.

I bury my face into this pillow that isn't mine and feel hot tears wet it. I don't tell Jaehyuk and Asahi what happened, even though I know they're still awake.

I lift my head, and through a gap in the curtains I can see the cold stars shining in mockery of me outside. I don't tell them either. Because what would I tell them? I barely even know what I'm telling myself.

So what in the world am I going to tell Junkyu?