Scars (Ziam)

Moment of Weakness

   "Okay. Sounds like a plan. You boys go ahead to the back. And don't burn anything, Zayn!" His uncle warned as we walked to the back room, Zayn's hand on my shoulder where his uncle's used to be. It was a supportive touch, but I wanted to run away from it. I wanted all of the emotions to just end.

   As soon as we entered the back room, I became dizzy. I dropped down to the floor beside the wall, curling in on myself and hugging my knees close to my chest, which was rising and falling at an alarming rate. I shut my eyes, hands tugging at my hair slightly as I let out a heavy, choked sob. Everything hurt so much, but it was also such a numbing feeling on the surface. It was a deep ache that didn't make any sense. Still, it hurt all the same.

   "It's alright, Liam. Breathe slowly, love. Please," Zayn said. I was vaguely aware of him bending down in front of me, face level with my own, but everything was all hazy as my mind threw insult after insult at myself, harassing and attacking me with such dark thoughts.

   Why was I alive? All I did was cause trouble for others. I was only a burden. I was a walking ghost of someone who should have passed on already. I was worthless. I had nothing to give, and all I ever did was take. All I ever did was make other people stress and worry when they shouldn't even give a damn about me in the first place. Why did they care? Why did I care? Why did it all still hurt so much when I wanted nothing more but to shut everything off and just be numb.

   I wanted to shut my eyes and never have to open them again. I wanted to magically rewind time-- not climb into the car on that infamous night. I wanted to see my mum and ask her why she had to do it. I wanted to shout at her. This was her fault. All of it. She didn't care. She laughed. She laughed, and it was one of the last things I heard that night before the horn blared and everything went dark. Nothing but stinging, burning pain and cries that were too weak to leave my barely breathing body.

   "I- I- I c-can't," I panted out, trembling uncontrollably as the scene played over and over behind my eyes.

   Bright white lights, a car horn honking in a continuous warning, tires screeching to a desperate halt, not enough, glass shattering, cuts all across my face as a strange liquid ran down it, a metal pipe shooting through my side, pining me to my seat as if my seat belt wasn't doing the work already, the car spinning before landing on its side, a mouth opening to yell but no sound escaping, Ruth's whimpers as her arm was trapped under my side-- my good side, Nicola's scream as she looked at our mother, blood running down light brown hair, my dad trying to open his car door to call for help. It all came in one rush; one flash of memories. Searing each moment into my brain. It was a nightmare on repeat, but the nightmare was real.

   "Liam, listen to my voice, okay? Listen. In... and out. C'mon, love."

   I heard his voice, but it was so far away. It was muffled by the loudness shooting through my mind. It opened, but nothing came out. A car horn blocked out everything else. Then, Nicola's scream as I saw my mum's head leaned over the steering wheel. Then, pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Until I faded.

  "...five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten," I heard Zayn's voice count steadily. "Count with me, Liam. One, two, three, four..." He continued on, and I heard the numbers. I heard them, but I still felt trapped.

   One. My mother's laugh. Two. The car horn. Three. The squeal of the tires. Four. The glass shattering....

   "Hello? Yes, I need an ambulance," I heard Zayn's voice say. "Uncle!" I heard him call, and then he was speaking to me in a low voice. "Breathe with me, Li. Slowly. It's okay. It's just me and you, yeah? It's safe."

   I wanted to do as he said to stop hurting him, but my chest was aching immensely, and I couldn't get a good breath in. Everything was still flashing behind my eyes, and when I opened them everything was distorted and blurred. My eyes searched around the room frantically, trying to find something familiar, but even when I looked at Zayn, I couldn't calm myself down.