Beyond general relativity

Chapter 2

Physics is an ungrateful bitch. It takes a toll on you like nothing else. It could literally suck you dry, bring you to your knees and leave you to die. The countless hours you give to that field of work, rarely repays to you... if they ever do. Even that taken into consideration, I love everything about physics. I thrive in the desperation others find themselves in so often when they reach the point of no eventual success. Facing a wall that seems like a career breaker gives me even more motivation to go on with the hope something really goddamn worthy is on the other side. Brainstorming myself for hours every day is a rare kind of drug. I know well enough that I might end as the countless more before me that lived, and gave their lives for crumbs of nothing. That all of my work might be debunked after 20 years as complete bullshit as it often does. In science though, even the wrong theories bring progress. I just hope I'm not wrong. It's all I can do really. I hope I'll be lucky enough to see a product of my efforts.

Today was just another day spent with my nose buried deep in my books. My graduation was just a few months from now, and my thesis was nowhere near done. Yet again, I've came to a dead end with one of the problems I was reviewing, because there were large number of possible solutions and I wasn't sure which one to apply. I groaned and rested my head down on the desk. It was a beautiful day outside, one of the few good ones we get in Washington State. It was madness I was spending it inside, in the furthest, most dusty end of the physics department university library. With no intention of leaving anytime soon. I closed my eyes and tried to visualize the formula I worked on. Sometimes when I stopped staring at the notes and let the more abstract part of my mind take over, things became clearer.

In the back of my mind I entertained the idea to just leave it and chill, enjoy the day. Since I only worked on my final paper now, and didn't have to go to class anymore, my time was mostly spent in cafes and libraries. My only companions the numbers and letters joined together in countless wrenching formulas. God knew I needed to go out and have fun, loosen a little bit. I didn't succumb to that temptation. I would chill when I was done.

I only allowed myself the brief pause to go out and buy a cup of coffee and some candy bar. Regardless of the sun, the wind was relentless, puncturing my cheeks with invisible, icy needles. I wrapped my scarf tighter around my neck and hid my chin in it too. My hands were so cold, that I sighed with relief when they wrapped around the steaming carton cup of hot cappuccino. Walking slowly so I could sip from it, my brain took its much needed break too, and by the time I reached the library I had come up with a solution for my problem. I had to meet my supervisor in two hours and I knew she'd be pleased if I presented her a proof for the theoretical work.

When I closed my notebook at last, I felt content with myself. I was exhausted, but I was one step closer to my goal. One of those days I'd make the last one and reach my destination. When I exited the library, I saw a familiar woman waving at me.

"Mrs. Jaspers? What are you doing here?"

"I have urgent work I need to get to, honey. It's why I directly came here to take your work. Hope you don't mind."

"No, not at all"

I opened my bag to retrieve my notebook.

"I'll return it as soon as possible. When are you coming to Seattle again?"

"I copy all of my notes on my laptop as well, so don't worry about the notebook. And I don't know yet"

"Did you work out a solution for the gravitation problem?"

"I think I did, yeah. Just take a look and call me if there's something"

"OK, have a nice day then, Diana"

"You too"

It was the first relatively free day I've had in weeks. I had no urgent work for tonight so I decided to just go back home and do nothing, probably enjoy a cup of tea and a nice movie. I even napped on the bus ride back to my hometown Leavenworth, despite the bumping and the kid on the back seat, who didn't stop kicking mine.