8 nights in hell [Billie Eilish]

NIGHT V.6: baby it's cold outside

• pov: Mara •

Much later we were still lying there in the dark, side by side. We laughed at something Billie had said and I could feel the vibrations from her raspy laugh going through her whole body.

We were quiet for a while. The room was doused in indigo coming through the window. Outside dawn was breaking but it felt like we both did not want this night to end. I was exhausted, both physically and mentally but more than that I was content at this moment. I did not have to have EREBOS constantly lingering in the back of my mind anymore. After all this my day to day stress and somewhat regular sleep pattern would feel like heaven. I pulled the blanket up to my chin and turned on my side, pulling Billie to my chest.

"Uhm, Mara?"

I gave an unintelligible grunt und nuzzled my nose into her neck. We fit together like puzzle pieces.

"What are you doing?" Billie asked hesitantly.

"Trying to sleep."

There was a pause. "Should I, like... get my things?"

I placed a soft kiss on her naked shoulder and shook my head. We were close enough for her to feel it. It should not have felt this natural considering we had only done this once back in London but it felt right, lying heart to heart like this, which was probably why I had avoided it for so long.

"Does that mean you want me to stay?"

I smiled against her skin and gave an affirmative hum, too sleepy for a full word. It was pretty obvious I did not want her to go anywhere and it was cute she wanted to double check. 

Billie made herself comfortable. With the risk of saying too much I mumbled, "You know, I always wanted to do this. I was just scared I might like it a little too much. I don't want... I don't like feeling dependent or overly attached and I don't want the type of relationship that makes me feel less complete when I'm not with the person. I want one to make me feel more complete all the time, you know?"

"I know." I could hear a smile in her voice. "What was that word you just used?"

I gave another hum. I knew Billie was taking advantage of me being tired and having loose lips but either way we would have arrived at this point on one day or another. I resisted making a joke about being married to my job or already being in a long distance relationship with my cat Meo.

"Just..." I stared into the dark, considering my next words carefully. It was a little strange to have this conversation so close to each other and yet not face to face. "Just know that I'm ready to make this something serious. Because I'm very serious about this."

"I'm serious too." Billie's voice changed and I feel how her mood shift to something darker. "I'm just..."

She trailed off but I knew what she was trying to say. "You're scared too."

I heard her swallow dryly. Her voice was a little shaky. "The other day I looked some stuff up. I was bored and I don't know how I ended up there but you know those maps on, like, rights for queer people? I'm sure you know them. Those world maps? Like, some places are green and some yellow and some are–"

"Billie," I interrupted softly, "you shouldn't have looked that up."

"Yes. Yes, I should have." There was a weight behind her words. "I've been to some of those places, I've performed there. It's not like I didn't know before but now it just feels different, you know?"

"I do." I could hear in my own voice that I had accepted the reality to be ugly if you really looked at it in the light. I searched for Billie's hand in the dark to give it a squeeze. "I'm sorry."

"I mean, it's not your fault." She laughed a little but it sounded bitter.

Somehow it really hurt that I was not able to offer any comfort, that there were no words to paint the world in prettier colours without lying. "No, I'm sorry that there's nothing I can say to make it better."

"Yeah."

We were quiet for a while, each lost in their thoughts. The exhaustion started to get the better of me but I fought against it because I Billie seemed still caught up in her thoughts.

"I'm tired," I mumbled, trying to distract her. "Let's just sleep, ok?"

I was barely awake but I felt that she was not quite ready to sleep yet. Maybe we needed to end on a more positive note. There was still more that we needed to talk about.

She must have read my thoughts because after a deep breath she started, "You know, if we make this something serious it's going to get out no matter how hard I'll try to keep it private. I hope that isn't a problem with you."

"Nah, I know what I'm getting myself into." Billie let her fingertips dance over my palm, mapping the shape of my scar. I enjoyed the feeling for a moment. "Do you though? There might be a lot of uncomfortable questions. With me, like... you know?"

"Jeez," Billie groaned. I did not need to see her face to know she was rolling her eyes sarcastically. "I can't wait for people to call me a liar for saying I was straight." She chuckled lightly. "If I cared about the opinion of every person out there I would've lost my mind long ago"

I was a little too drowsy for such a serious conversation. "They'll get over it."

She continued to trace the lines on my hand and outlining each finger. "I'm not sure if I even have an answer if they ask about a label or something. Like, dude, I'm still figuring it out. And it's a stupid question anyway. How can anybody answer that definitely? Just shut up and let me be. Also, changing my mind is just proof that I have one."

"That's a good way to look at it." I smiled at her little rant. Billie was never one to fit in a box. "And you don't have to answer at all. Remember when Janelle Monáe came out by saying 'I'm a free-ass motherfucker' and called it a day? You don't need to say anything if you don't want to."

Billie chuckled but stayed quiet after that. I let my eyes fall close before whispering, "And we don't have to rush anything. Just know that I'm here and I'm not leaving. We can take it one step at a time. I can wait until you're ready for the next. I'll wait for however long you need."

I heard nothing but a content sigh. After a while I lifted my head a little. "Billie?"

But she could not hear me, she had already fallen asleep in my arms.

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Girls Like You - The Naked And Famous
(do you have a song that helped you realized you're a little not so straight? This is mine so I put it here even if it doesn't fit)

I'm sorry for the short chapters rn but it felt wrong to just merge this onto the last. I briefly touched on a topic here that's way too big for me and probably a personal one to all of you so I hope I handled it ok