"That was before our break," I interject. "He hates me now,"
"I don't think he does, babes. Maybe he was just drunk or high or just not in the right headspace, I dunno. There has to be some sort of reason behind his outburst,"
I shake my head. Maybe there is an underlying reason but he still said all those hurtful things. He wouldn't have said them if he wasn't thinking them, at least to some extent.
"You don't say that stuff to someone you love," I weakly reply, my voice barely a whisper.
I know I hurt Harry. I've very well aware of the fact that I handled this situation wrongly. I should have talked to him sooner but I was scared and then all of my insecurities and worries caught up to me. I felt like I was suffocating, not from Harry, but from the pressure of being in a relationship with someone who I truly love and also despising myself at the same time.
I don't regret taking a break. I think it might have been inevitable, although I wish we went about it differently. Harry and I were making good progress with our talks every week, mixed with my therapy sessions. We hashed out certain issues and opened up more about each other and what's been bothering us. I thought we were moving forward.
I feel so conflicted. I'm upset with myself for what I put Harry through but I'm beyond hurt and angry with the things he spewed out on the phone. Why would he say that? He knows how insecure I've been. He knows that I hate when he gifts me things, like the car and apartment, because it makes me feel weak. We had just talked about that recently.
But I think the worst part is that he exploited my worst fear, which is losing him. I've tried to make it very apparent that I don't want to break up. I don't want to live my life without him. I just needed time to sort out some personal issues so I could put my all into our relationship. I did what I felt like I had to do for him, whether he knows it or not. I know he didn't like that, but I didn't expect him to blow up like he just did. I could almost look past the anger behind all of his words, but he basically threatened to leave me and now I don't know what to do or what to think.
Christian eventually squats down beside Melanie and I, placing a hand reassuringly on my shoulder.
"Listen..." he starts to say, seemingly having a difficult time coming up with the right words. "Harry's a fucking idiot. He messed up and I'm beyond angry at that but...I agree with Melanie. I think something must have been going on behind the scenes that we don't know about. There's no question in my mind that he's in love with you. I've witnessed it firsthand. That type of love doesn't just go away,"
My already watery eyes tear up at his words. I nod and blink rapidly a couple of times.
"You both are in a weird spot. You hurt each other and kept secrets and it all came unraveling, but you did your part, Amelia. You apologized and you did what you thought was best," Christian continues. "You were moving forward. I know you were. I mean, you even talked to Mel and I about asking Harry to come back home soon..."
I nod again and feel my tears break loose, freely falling down my face. It's true. I felt awful about everything I did to Harry and thought I had gotten to a relatively okay place where I could have him by my side again. It wouldn't have been tomorrow or the next day, but I thought maybe next week or next month latest. Now I'm not sure I want that.
"What do I do?" I croak out.
Christian sighs and drops his hand from my shoulder, a pensive look crossing his face.
"Nothing for right now," he says. "Take the day to yourself, with Melanie and I of course. We won't leave you. You don't have to make a decision on anything right now. It won't change anything. Then tomorrow we can circle back and see how you're doing and go from there,"
My chest constricts. I don't feel that sharp pain like I did earlier, but now it's the dull ache that radiates all throughout my body in the most uncomfortable way. I wish the floor would swallow me into some other world where heartache doesn't exist.
"I still love him," I whisper.
Melanie hugs me closer to her and rests her cheek against my head. She doesn't verbally reply but her actions speak loudly by how she rubs my back and holds me tight in her arms.
My phone begins vibrating from where it lays on the floor, startling me slightly. Christian stands up and pads over to it, carefully picking up the shattered device.
"It's Harry," he says.
I frantically shake my head when he looks at me. I don't want to talk to him. Not right now, at least.
The phone stops ringing eventually, but almost immediately after it stops, it starts again and judging by the look on Christian's face I know who it is.
"Can you put my phone in the other room? I don't want to even look at it right now I can't," I faintly whisper.
Christian nods and leaves the bedroom, my continuously buzzing phone gripped in his hand. I don't know if Harry is calling to apologize or because he wants to officially break up with me, but I can't focus on either. I need to gather my thoughts. I know I hurt Harry but I would never say to him what he did to me. He plucked out all of my doubts and weaknesses and used them to target me and for that, it'll take a lot for me to forgive him, if I ever can.
...
Okay side note, if it seems confusing it's supposed to be (just as an FYI). There's a lot of emotions going on so it might seem a little muddled
Rant: My appeal was denied and I need to retake statistics because I "failed" by .44!! I hate grad school!!! And when I say failed, I got a B- instead of a B but STILL.
Important PSA: So I made an Instagram again! I'll tell you why down below but if you'd like to follow me, I'll be posting some personal stuff to connect with you all, but also some stuff relating to Wattpad. I might give subtle spoilers or teasers to chapters/books I have coming up etc. Something along those lines. My handle is @zoechristinaxx (the same as my Wattpad name)
I'm not on it very often because I don't like social media BUT I made it partially because on February 13th I'll be on @/directionersbookclub 's live to talk about Let's Hurt Tonight. I'll provide more details when the date comes :)
