A question I ask myself often is, why do I constantly feel like this?
Life is a journey, whether that is of our actions or our emotions or even just the consequences. Regardless of the perspective, it is still a journey. Yet, these feelings of sadness, dread, anger, hate and betrayal constantly circles around my mind.
Why can I not trust?
Do I fear getting hurt? I've seen many people, in fact, heard of many people, who have been hurt in many ways. Ways that scare me, ways that I even cannot fathom would be possible. And I fear it, because I think to myself, if I ever was in that position, would I be able to handle it? I at times believe that I am on top of my emotions, that I can handle any obstacle that could come my way, that I am strong and anything that could break me would only make me stronger.
But bones break, and some are irreversible.
Not all bones heal, and so we become sensitive to certain things that cause us pain. And when we see that this has happened with others, we are filled with fear. So that we, in the future perhaps, will be able to avoid such incidents. However, will this fear stop me from living my life normally? Will I become so afraid that I get locked inside a bubble that can never burst? And if it ever does, that it will break me completely?
Do I love, do I not? Do I trust, do I not? Do I care, or do I be apathetic? Do I give or just receive? Do I take risks or stay comfortable? Do I continue or go back? Do I stand up or sit down?
Questions circling around my mind over and over again, questioning every move I do. I can't seem to free myself from myself and the feeling of freedom does not feel free. It feels like you have to pay to breathe, pay to even feel like that you are more than just existing, but living.
When I feel happy, I question how long it will last because deep down I know, I just know, that sadness will come, crashing down a fucken hill.
Feeling angry when I don't even know the whole context, but only enough to make me feel hatred. How could I hurt those that I consider my loved ones, yet repeatedly question their actions and doubt them? Why can I not love and not feel fear whilst doing it?
And yet, here I am feeling betrayed by a loved one. Questioning their love for me, doubting their understanding and caring aura. Still wanting to fight them, scenarios in my mind, poisoning my love for them. Like a snake releasing its venom, all I feel is pain.
Hurt
Pain
Lost
Misunderstood
Exhausted
My mind continues to struggle, battling the good thoughts and the bad thoughts. The constant inner struggle that just won't leave you alone. Over and over again, making you feel less and less of a human and more and more of a pain in the ass.
Breathe, but why bother when each petal that falls from me dies.
Every beautiful rose dies. Even the ones that had thorns. They all eventually die.
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