I nearly breakdown at the innocent question. Of course I'm not okay. How could I be? I don't necessarily regret spending time apart from Harry but I do regret how we went about it. Now I'm left picking up the pieces and it sucks, to put it simply.
"I'm okay," I say, although it doesn't sound too convincing. I clear my throat slightly. "I haven't really done much today. I read a little and then stared out the window until you called. It's snowing today,"
"I like the snow," Harry quietly says. "It's pretty,"
"It is,"
We sit in silence again, the air growing heavy between us. Is this how it's always going to be? Will we ever go back to how we were? I'd like to think so but right now it just seems impossible.
"I miss you," Harry says after a couple of moments.
A stray tear falls from the corner of my eye and down my cheek, finally landing in my hair. I hastily wipe away another one before it slides down my face.
"You can't say that, Harry," I shakily tell him. "Not right now,"
I hear him sigh.
"I know. I just...wanted you to know. I'm not trying to make things more difficult..." he says. He clears his throat before continuing. "How is therapy going? Is it helping at all? We didn't really talk about it much the last couple times we talked,"
I feel uncomfortable talking about my therapy sessions with Harry. I had bottled up everything for so long that now it seems weird to talk about with him, but I know I need to. It wouldn't be fair to keep Harry in the dark any more than I already have. Plus, we're supposed to work on our communication. I need to be as open as possible, even if it's uncomfortable and sticky.
"I think it's helping. I'm starting tomorrow to go twice a week instead of just once. Maggie suggested it might be helpful," I tell Harry.
"I hope it is, my love," Harry responds. "Will your insurance cover it? I have a spare credit card there you can use if it's too expensive - "
"No. I don't want to use your card," I cut Harry off, slightly annoyed with his offer although I can't really be mad because I'm sure he meant no harm. "It's one of the few things I can actually pay for. You pay for seemingly everything else - the apartment, the utilities, the cars, even the groceries on most occasions. I can't take more from you,"
Harry goes quiet for a minute, the only sounds on his line being his staggered breathing.
"I just want to help..." he whispers.
I sigh and cover my eyes with my hand. I know he is. Harry's the kindest person that I know. He would never try to buy his way into my life or make me feel subordinate to him on purpose.
"I know, I'm sorry," I tell him, quietly. "It just makes me feel inferior or useless knowing that you pay for everything," I admit.
"You're not useless or inferior. Not at all. I don't want you to feel that way, Amelia,"
"Then let me pay for something, Harry. We talked about it when I agreed to move in with you but then it all went to shit. Let me pay for utilities again, and groceries, at the very least,"
Harry softly sighs. I know he doesn't want to give in. Money has always been a struggle for me but now that I'm working full time, I can afford to for at least some things. Harry spent probably around $15 million on the apartment, although I wouldn't be surprised if it was more. He also pays taxes and common charges, around $7 thousand a month. The utilities aren't nearly that much but it'll make me feel better about living this luxury life - one that I'm just not used to.
