The one he never claimed. (Complete)

38.

"He was going through stuff Alex, he's done nothing but try to prove himself since."

"I'm sorry, we're talking about the same guy whose actions had us not speaking to each other for two years right?"
It's beyond me how she's still on his side after what he did.

"Alex, he made a mistake. Ok maybe a few but who hasn't? You can never question the fact that this man loves you."

I mean I've never questioned it, but love is simply not enough now is it?

"I don't know if I'll ever look at him the same again."
Yes it's been years, but even though the heart forgives, the mind doesn't forget.

"You'll never truly know unless you give him another chance."

For the umpteenth time, I decide to shrug her comments away. Liz doesn't understand. It's easy to tell someone to forgive and forget but it's different when you're the one having to forgive.

Because of this man, I have walls up so high that people can hardly climb them. Because of this man, I have trust issues.

So no, it won't be that easy.

And yes Ezra has really tried to prove himself through the years. From paying attention to simply being there. I'd noticed the little things he'd started doing too.

Like compliment me even when I'm looking my worst. The old Ezra never used to compliment me at all. But looking back I think it was because of his own personal insecurities that he never let people see.

He's proven to be a more mature version of himself no doubt. Not even just with me but with everyone... with everything.

He's no longer the new hot bachelor in town, he spends the majority of his time giving back to the less fortunate. And he's become Josh's biggest mentor.

With my job taking so much of my time, I feel thankful that he's there for Josh when I'm not able to be. Also, in a way I was never able to be before.

He brings a male's perspective into it.

And not to say dad and Mary are doing a bad job. Contrary, they're pretty great. I think that they're certainly not young anymore. They still take on the disciplinary part of parenting though.

I think that Josh is a different kind of kid who requires a special type of connection that Mary and dad aren't always able to give. So I'm more than happy to step in in that regard. Plus, Josh is the little brother I never had so I'm benefitting from our time together too.

Ezra takes him to football matches and he teaches him how to properly hit on girls, despite my utter annoyance.

But above all else, I'm just glad he's taken on the big brother role for him. I still wish I can take away all the bad he's experienced through the years.

Although he seems happy now, all thanks to Ezra.

But even still, I wish I could forget everything that's happened with us. I wish it could all be erased because right now, that would be the only way I'll be able to be with him again.

"I'm never giving up."
He always says to me.

It's been years, he hasn't been with anyone. When asked, he talks about the one girl who occupies his heart, the one girl he's only ever loved. The one girl he's hurt really bad.

Everyone knows who I am at this point. This is something I would've given anything to have, but is it too late?

All I ever wanted was for him to claim me, to say my name in front of all his fans. To love me not just behind closed doors but be proud to tell people too that he's with me. He never did that.

And now that he's suddenly doing it, am I supposed to jump up and down with joy? Am I supposed to act like he wasn't ashamed to call me his for the years that we were together?

All that I've ever wanted from him he's finally doing, but why don't I care? Why does it not give me the excitement I'd always thought it would give me? The tingly sensation in my tummy of knowing he will scream at the top of his lungs to the world that he's with me.

I'd always imagined being in the spotlight with him, not being hidden anymore. But I don't seem to care about any of that anymore.

I don't care that I'm constantly in the tabloids for being the girl that keeps rejecting the boy who everyone wants. They can all have him for all I care.

I mean right now we're great. As great as two people who broke each other's hearts can be. Well he mostly broke me but he claims that I broke his heart too by leaving. I'd of course rolled my eyes at that.

In retrospect, my suicide attempt was in a way my healing. It's weird to say but I don't think I would've ever left had it not been for that. I would've stayed.

I would've been more broken.

It's true that even our darkest times are a part of it. Of the healing.

If I hadn't attempted then I wouldn't have winded up at the psychiatric ward, where I met some of the most amazing people I've ever met.

I wouldn't have met Mary, I wouldn't have met Jenifer and I wouldn't have met Josh. A few people whose sudden presence changed my life impeccably.

We're not necessarily best friends but we're so often in each other's sight that we have to be cordial with one another.

And now that Mickey has been promoted to being his manager, we're around each other a lot. Because well - Liz is my best friend.

Does it make a difference to me that he's literally been waiting for years and had to endure my 'hot girl' days? not really.

He didn't have to. I never asked him to wait around for me. It would probably be good for him to start seeing someone.

"You're doing that thing where you act like you don't care."
Liz now says annoying me. She knows I hate talking about this.

"You act like you don't care when he shows up, and when he gets you 'small things' like a flippin G-wagon"
She says this dramatically and I roll my eyes.

"This is someone every girl, and maybe even guy would give anything to be with, yet he only wants you."

"He's also the guy that showed me a literal hell for years."

"But Alex, you can't keep being stuck in the past. You now know the reason he did what he did to you was because he too was broken. You know he was battling his own demons."
This of course came out from his therapy sessions.

I guess I partly knew that even before he went for therapy. The man was kind of a mess.

"You of all people know what it's like to be affected by a traumatic event in the past."

She says and I make my way to go pick up her beautiful toddler who's now awake.

I hate that she's turning this around on me but not enough to be mad at her.

"Maybe I should talk to him."
I say now tickling her mini-me as she giggles uncontrollably.

"Maybe you should."