The Tattoo Kiss (Jaylor Fanfiction)

epiphany

February 7th; 2013
One Month Later
Taylor Swift's Point of View
Dear diary,
I guess I still have no idea what the hell I'm doing with my life. My baby bump went away along with all those annoying pregnancy symptoms and hormones but I still keep fucking up. When the hell did I start ruining my life that I tried to hard to build? Maybe I wasn't meant to have a family. Maybe I was meant to be alone and never be a burden to anyone. I also want to scream to people and stay loud and say how much I love them.

        -Taylor <3

I sigh and set my journal down. I look up at the ceiling as I sit on the edge of my bed. I put my journal in my desk and walk downstairs. Joe is watching T.V while Olivia sleeps on his lap. I see him pick her up gently and take her to her room. He's a good dad. He could have ran, but he became a father and the best I've ever seen.
I stand in the kitchen, slightly pacing back and forth. Joe walks into the kitchen, seeing I'm slightly having a nervous breakdown.

"Are you okay?" Joe asks me.

"No, no I'm not okay? I'm dying inside and I don't know how to fix it."

"Taylor..."

"I love you. When I finally came to my senses, and realized that I loved you, you stopped loving me."

He opens his mouth to speak but I stop him. "Don't say anything. I know what you're going to say and I don't want to hear it."

He swallows and looks at me. "You're right, I don't love you. I loved Taylor Swift, not this wolf in sheep's clothing."

"What's so wrong with me that you don't love me?"

"I don't love wolves, especially those who pretend to not be one."

I just look at him with nothing to say. My mind is empty, my mouth is open but nothing is coming out. The silence gets interrupted by the doorbell ringing. I walk and open the door where I see a young womxn on the other side.

"I called the nanny. I'm going out and I thought you'd need help." Joe says quietly.

"I don't need help raising my own kids!" I slightly snap.

"Then why did I feel like I needed to call the nanny?" He looks into my eyes innocently as he just tries to stop the argument in a way.

"Where are you going?" I ask.

"A date. Believe it or not, I'm not going to wait for you."

The nanny walks in and the door closes. "The kids are sleeping...I need to go out for a bit. I won't be gone long." I tell her. I pick up my guitar and put on a jacket. I call up a taxi and take it to the Nashville City Cemetery. I walk down the stone path until I find the grave that reads my mother's name. Andrea Swift 1958-2013. I sit down while slightly leaning against the grave.

"Hey mom." What a great conversation so far. She's totally gonna respond.

"I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I feel like I'm failing everyone I love. I hate myself and I wish I didn't exist. If I didn't exist then everyone I love, will have a better life. You know I haven't fallen in love with someone in years. I have never truly loved anyone. What I had with Calvin...I thought it was love but I think it was a dream rather then an actual life. You can't last forever in wonderland. I know I'm the issue but why can't I fix it?"

I sigh loudly and look at the sky. "Maybe I hate myself so much that I use arrogance as a mask. I reject people before they can reject me. It's like I want people to hate me so I'm not hurt when they leave. Joe, he-he isn't arrogant. He gets hurt and actually falls in love. I don't know what the hell I'm doing. Joe's put together more than me and I'm older and more experienced. Maybe I've taken my experience and destroyed them. Joe took his mistakes and learned something. I just shoved them down and pretended they didn't exist. It's what makes me repeat shit. Benjamin, hatred, refusing to forgive. Benjamin isn't a mistake to me, he was a product of-well sex, but it doesn't mean I don't love him less. I feel problematic, maybe if I stopped being arrogant and became human, I would stop hating myself so much. I've been writing a new song lately. All my recent song made have been sad lately. It's like I express my feelings into lyrics. Anyway, I call this come back...be here. I only wrote the chorus so don't judge me too much. I wrote it in the perspective of you, maybe how you felt when I was gone..."

And this is when the feeling sinks in
I don't wanna miss you like this
Come back, be here, come back, be here
I guess you're in New York today
I don't wanna need you this way
Come back, be here, come back, be here

"I wish I could ask you, ask you if this is how you felt. Maybe I'll ask Dad but he can't speak for you. He knew you but he didn't know your feelings. You can take guesses on how one feels, but no one truly knows except the person who feels. Maybe it's time I started to love myself instead of hating myself. Just, take care of myself, treat who I am with respect."

I stand up with my guitar and look at her grave. "Good talk Mom. I'll see you again soon." I walk away and get in the car to drive home. I look outside the window as the taxi begins to take me home. The sky begins to sprinkle rain drops and I watch as they fall slowly down the window.
As I walk to the front door of my house I look at the clouds as they pick up the pace on the rain. It begins to pour and I reach out my arms, letting the rain soak me.

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Author's Note:
Ah my chapters have been so short recently but I don't know what to write too much. I'm so excited for the sequel, I think you guys will like it. Also, I updated again! I'm just as surprised as you are.

I want to work on the sequel but I need to finish this one first!

Do you have predictions about what the sequel will look like?