Le Penchant

44| i told you to follow me

It's been exactly one month ever since I resigned.

It's been exactly one month ever since my life have turned upside down.

I smiled slowly.. bitterly, tinignan ko 'yung pinto ng bagong apartment ko nang matagal, bago ako pumasok sa loob.

My phone buzzed, it rang immediately afterwards. I shook my head slowly while I completely shut my phone down. I didn't even bother to know and look for the caller's ID, it must've been one my friends.. I don't know.. but I still don't feel like talking to anybody at all. I kept on ignoring them, I practically ignored everyone.. they started visiting me, I was forced to open the door to every single one of them.

They were all telling me to hold on.. that it's going okay, that everything will pass.. that everything will go away. And I hated it.

If it was only that simple, huh.

Yet it wasn't.

I was getting sick and tired of everyone, my friends were my safe haven.. but I guess a simple heartbreak could really make you change.

I didn't want to loose them, but I didn't want their pity and make them feel like they're obligated to give me sympathy, to go to me.. take care of me.. cry with me, just because I am their friend. I wouldn't want to be fed up one day and actually leave a snarky comment, ayokong makapagsalita ng masama sa kanila dahil lang pagod na pagod na ako.. I love them.. but I'm just so broken.

Lahat masakit.

Lahat mahapdi.

Parang bawat araw mas tumitindi ung sakal na nakakapit sa leeg ko.

Hindi ako makahinga.

I want to fix myself.. I didn't want to punish the people around me, all because I'm hurting. I didn't want to burden anyone anymore. I just felt utterly worthless.. sa isang iglap.. mas mabilis pa sa kahit na ano, parang hindi ko na rin makita kung nasaan nga ba 'yung halaga ko.

I sighed.

Patting my cheeks to wake me up, kumuha ako ng baso bago ko 'yon lagyan ng tubig. Nakatingin ako sa kawalan habang iniinom 'yon, my forehead was already dripping of sweat. Huminga ako ng malalim habang binababa ang baso, kinailangan ko nang buksan ang electricfan dahil napakainit rito.. mamaya pa kasing gabi ko bubuksan ang aircon, para kahit kaunti ay nagtitipid ako.

I left my condominium complex, I just couldn't take the pain I've been enduring while I continued to live there. I also knew that if I didn't move out, I'll be bankrupt.

Isang buwan na rin akong walang trabaho.. isang buwan na ring akong walang kita, I just couldn't find the will to actually do something, anything.

I'm a mess.

That, I'm sure of.

Napahiga ako sa kama ko, nakatingin sa taas.. nagmumuni-muni, my eyes continued to droop slowly.

Pagbukas ko ng mga mata ko ay gabi na, hindi ko na namalayan at nakatulog na pala ako. Halos magdadalawang linggo na rin no'ng makalipat ako sa apartment na 'to. Waking up, showering, eating, then sleeping again would have to be my daily routine for weeks now.

Nag-iimprove naman ako.. dati nga hindi ako naliligo 'e.. hindi rin ako makakain ng maayos kasi wala talaga akong gana sa kahit na ano.

Halos dalawang linggo na rin no'ng huling beses akong may makausap na kaibigan ko, o.. kaibigan niya.

I practically disappeared, but I guess that's what I wanted. Temporarily..

Kailangan ko lang muna ayusin sarili ko.