The Blue Diamond | JJK 🔞

27 Hurt and Pleasure

I couldn't sleep the night. It is now four in the morning yet I am still in daze. Maybe it's the situation where Jungkook is clinging onto me like a koala and cuddling peacefully with me. I have come too far with it and there's no going back. I hate clingy people, but Jungkook is an exception I guess.

For hours I've been thinking about one thing; practically my brain is stuck on it. How the hell I am even having this situation right now? I have allowed a man to sleep in my bed and cuddle me. A cute man though who has this special talent to act superior whenever he is needed to. He really has this splendid effect on me where I feel calmness as he holds me. Even though he is in deep sleep, his arms are quite tight around my waist to remind me he is here with me.

He looks so peaceful sleeping. Eyes closed, puffed cheeks, semi parted lips as he uses his mouth to exhale the breath. He isn't snoring, it's just his mouth is making faint noise, very faint that it feels like music to my ears. His hair messily fall all over his face and I brush them back, caress his cheek and run my fingertip over a healed scar. His lips are of perfect shape, a full lower lip and a thin upper lip that looks dried now because of exhaution and heavy sleep.

Jungkook smells good. Like honey and musk. It must be his natural scent, because I know he applies a strong colong almost everyday, but when he doesn't, he smells like how he does right now. Everything about him is so enticing and so ethereal as if he isn't a real being. He feels like some mythical creature who is too perfect to fit in modern world yet he has some demons that makes him so human and so real. His body close to mine isn't doing so much fine in that case. I can feel perfectly how fine he is. How perfect his built is almost making me dig hole for myself and stay undercover for the rest of my life. He indeed makes me feel insecure about my own self, but at the same time when he gives me his attention, I feel equally beautiful. After all being appreciated by a man so perfect as him will sure make you feel beautiful.

Sometimes I just want to tell him everything that I have been burying in my heart since I was small. He is a good listener and he is a good advisor too. I just want to tell every piece of my story to him. But I am scared. I am scared if I will open up and he will think of my as a sadistic bitch who is too blind to think what's good for myself. I feel bad for myself. There is so much guilt and so much pain in my heart that sometimes I feel bad for even existing.

It hurts me to think that there is so much going on with me that I can't figure out a single thing. I can't even cry in self-pity. This is really so very hard for me, I can't think straight with my head wrapped with so much going on around. I sniff unknowingly and realize that I am shedding tears again.

I am frustrated so damn much with my life and with my choices that I hate being alive. There's only one thing that is pretty fine in my life and that's Jungkook and that also get ruined by the nagging thoughts in my head. I want to let go of those feelings and just live in the moment just like how he said, but I can't find myself to comply to it. It suddenly feels like a very big change for once.

My thoughts freeze along with my entire body as soon as I feel Jungkook's arm tightening around my waist. "Why do you cry so much?" He slowly opens his eyes that looks smaller due to the sleep consuming him. "I think I make you cry." His deep voice says. Realization kicks in and my eyes widen while I shake my head in denial.

"No," my voice comes out croaked, "it's not you." I assure as I see he is perfectly sober after a short nap. "It's just... shit's crazy with me." I mumble averting my eyes from his. I hear him sigh and he cups my chin to force me to look at him.

"Nothing can be crazier than me and you together." His voice is soothing deep just like how his charcoal orbs drown into mine. "So just discard all of your crazy thoughts and remember I am here with you." His fingertips feel extra delicate on my skin. I want more of it. I want to feel more skin.