Borrowed Time

Twenty Two

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"Again, I am so very sorry for lying to you," Janet told me, seated across from me at a nearby restaurant. As promised, we were to have dinner so that she could explain to me why she wasn't honest. "The truth is, I'm a journalist."

But, I couldn't pay attention, at least not the way she wanted me to. I kept thinking about the conversation I had with Joy, and how things were blown up. I could admit, the conversation didn't leave a good feeling. Though I made my point very clearly, something in me felt a bit guilty.

"When I heard about Tarik's shooting, I wanted to be the first person to report about it." Janet went on, speaking her truth. I was listening to her, but not truly hearing her. "I wanted to talk about the injustice in this world, the fact that these officers can get away with killing our people as though we mean nothing."

I should've been more reactive, but my mind was not where it needed to be. I wish I didn't think about my marriage, but I couldn't help but to. Things had changed so fast, so quick. And the worst part of it all, Josiah would suffer most through it.

"I wanted to reach out to you to talk with you personally." Janet continued, pointing toward me. "To understand what life had really been like for you since Tarik's passing. Because sometimes people forget about the family that's grieving." She breathed deeply, placing her hands upon her chest. "But when I saw you at the burial, Toni, I fell in love with you. How beautiful you are, your voice. I didn't give a damn about being no journalist."

To make her think I was involved in this conversation, I snapped out of my thoughts and said, "But wait, how-how do I know you're not lying to me now?" When the woman's eyes widened, I then said, "I'm just saying...you...you made up some whole story about being a teacher."

"Listen, after lying to you the first time, I know not to lie to you ever again." Janet answered, laughing a bit. She pointed toward me. "I gotta be careful with you, you feisty."

I too laughed, shaking my head from side to side. "Mhm. I'm not feisty, you just have a slick mouth. Just like Joy—" I then stopped myself, ashamed of the words that slipped from my tongue. "I mean...um...I...I didn't mean to say that."

I messed up, entirely. And I hadn't known why. I was confused, not understanding exactly what was going on in my mind nor heart.

The other woman rolled her eyes to the rear of her head, moving in ways that showed she was in disbelief. "No, you definitely meant to say that. And it's fine, it's fine. But for the record, I am nothing like her."

"I know, I know," I said back, holding my head in the palms of both my hands. I felt completely embarrassed. And it was my own damn fault. "It's just that sometimes I—"

"You miss her," Janet told me, cutting me off. She connected her fingers on the table, then shrugged her shoulders. "And you miss what you had with her."

But me being in denial, I replied with, "Why would you—what makes you think that?" Even though she was right, I wasn't sure if I was ready to hear it. But I needed to. I needed to be honest with myself.  It was almost as though I was beginning to feel torn about the things that were happening, as though I was starting to second guess.

For a second time, the woman moved her shoulders up and down. "Well, according to her, you are still having sex, which is something you obviously lied to me about." She then released her fingers, pointing at me. "And now you're sitting here comparing us. Yeah, you definitely miss her."

"Okay, and maybe I do!" I grew a bit irritable, finally admitting what was certainly obvious. But I didn't want to feel bad about this, to feel ashamed. It was perfectly normal to be torn about a situation such as my own. "Is that so bad of me? I'm human, I have a right to feel how I feel."

"Any by all means, please feel whatever you feel," Janet said to me, holding up her hands. "But do not make me think that I'm the one you want something with when I'm really not." I was hurting her. I could see it in her eyes. She felt as though I was playing her, stringing her along. "I mean what the hell have I been to you these past couple of months? Just some back-up plan?!"

Shaking my head from one side to other, I disagreed. That was not my intent, that was never what I wanted her to think. "Just because I might miss my marriage or Joy does not mean I'm gonna run back to her, Janet. Missing someone is apart of the process, it's apart of moving on. That's just life."

"Yeah, well life is also about figuring shit out," she responded, beginning to gather her things. "And I think that's what you need to do. You need to take some time and decide what's best for you." She then rose from the table, preparing herself to walk away. "Then give me a call when you're ready to talk."

I too got up from the table, attempting to stop her. "C'mon, Janet, don't—"

But the woman only rejected me, impeding my words with, "And another thing, now that I think about it, I looked like a damn fool going back and forth with Joy at the salon, just for you to turn around and pull some shit like this."

For a second time, I tried to get her to sit back down, but she wasn't having it. She walked away, leaving me to myself.

A|N:
thoughts?