Querencia | Finnick Odair

Chapter XXXXIII

Sorry for the pause, I am horrible at updating. I love reading comments and would love more of them. Anyway, here you go.

Later that day I cook some beef and broccoli with teriyaki and sit down with it in front of the fireplace, trying to figure out the small music display above it. I tried it many times but gave up a few times because there were just one too many buttons and if you pressed the wrong one you had metal music blaring through the entire house. And I give up after some time once again and then after cleaning the kitchen sit down in the library and take out some paper and different coloured ink, trying to write the letter but I don't come much further than 'My love'.

And then I start sketching instead, sketches of us swimming, laying in bed, dancing in our rooms. And then I can write in the soft light of multiple candles.

My love,

I don't know where to start or what to say.

I am sorry.

The way I acted and the things I said weren't fair towards you and they hurt you.

Believe me, they hurt me as well.

You mean the world to me and I should have been able to contain the anger and the fear and not let it rule me.

But this is real life and I cannot turn back time, press restart when I make a mistake.

I cannot start over.

We have been through a lot and I hope that we can fight through this together.

I understand that you might need time to process and to think.

But know that I love you. With all my heart.

I value your love, your kindness and your patience.

If it wasn't for you I'd be lost in this world and within myself. I am so grateful you came into my life and I hope you stay in it for much longer.

I want to go swimming with you, I want to go dancing and climbing and shopping. I want to wake up in your arms in the morning, I want to kiss you and cook with you and train with you.

I hope I didn't hurt you too much, as I never wanted.

I adore you,

Talisa

I add in the sketches I made and put a seal onto it, a little dried flower corporated in it. Now I just have to find a way to get it to him. The normal way is not an option because they will open and control it. But the victory tour starts soon and I could ask Haymitch to deliver it once we meet for the victors-dinner.

Day of Victory Tour

This morning I go for a run along the fields and shower, before braiding a part of my hair and gathering it at the back of my head and twisting them into a bun, some smaller braid encircling it in bigger circles. I even do my makeup and put on a green blouse, but when I leave or try to leave there are two peacekeepers standing in front of my door.

"Is there a formal escort now?", I question with raised eyebrows.

"No victors dinner this year. Safety precaution."

"Safety for whom? Katniss and Peeta?"

"Everybody. Since the small gatherings the past weeks and the death of four peacekeepers in this District, we are trying to keep our beloved victors safe. And ourselves of course"

"Of course."

I turn back and close the door behind me. With my personal grieve concerning Lucida and Finnick, I forgot all about the peacekeepers I killed.

I sit down on the couch, shrinking into myself. I killed and I forgot. I didn't think about it at all. How could that happen? How could killing be something I just do? They may be crappy pieces of human beings but still, they live. They are life. And I seemingly can end it without facing the consequences. Without caring. My nightmares were about Finnick, about my games, about the little asshole who tried to kill me. But not about them. Not about the people I killed. I scream and destroy the next vase. They are ugly anyway.

Breathing in, holding the breath, breathing out, repeat. Until I calmed down.

I take a look into my garden which of course is empty, but the fruit trees grew over time and have a real stem now, not just a little twig in the ground. Between them stands another pair of peacekeepers.

I feel honoured. Four peacekeepers just for me. And they won't be enough.

I push random buttons on the music display and some music which the display says is Jazz starts playing loudly. I actually like it but have other stuff to do.

Like getting to the justice building and talking to Haymitch. I can listen to music and dwell in self-pity later.

I rush upstairs and grab a black jacket with a big hood and the skipping rope from my workout room as well as two daggers and the gun I still have from the peacekeeper.

The small balcony is at the side of the house and there is no peacekeeper below it and I tie the rope around one of the pillars, climb over the railing, lean back and grip onto the rope. I lower myself down, happy that I have enough strength in my arms to hold myself up, otherwise, that would have hurt.

I pull my hood over my head and hurry into town, through the backstreets where shopkeepers throw their trash onto the street and children search through it. But not today, they are already standing in front of the justice building waiting for Katniss and Peeta and their generic speeches.

In 11 they seemed so genuine but rebellious. In 10 they were robot-like, simply reading the cards handed to them. And I believe today will be no different.

I wait in the shadow of the butcher's shop, the crowd growing bigger by the minute.

Finally, our mayor steps up and welcomes this years victors.

And I was right. They read their boring speeches. They remind me of mine.

The Games unite us, the Capitol is great and all that stuff with a little sprinkle off their love story. I can feel the unrest in the air and from their faces, I can tell that the two victors do as well. People start yelling and wanting them to tell their real opinion. Which I would guess they don't have. People yell, and people do this hand thingy where they hold up three fingers. Maybe it has a meaning in twelve but here it is a sign of rebellion and the seeming to be siblings are dragged away, right past me.

I sigh and clench and unclench my fingers. They will execute them for sure, but if they see my face I will have to kill the peacekeepers. So I just have to make sure they don't see me. Then the two can flee and everything will be fine.

I follow them to the barracks of the peacekeepers, where they put the two into the outer courtyard, pushing them down onto their knees and that is when I put one down with a kick to the back of the knee and the other with a swift kick to the feet. The pair is surprised at first but recovers and holds the peacekeepers down. This might work out without killing them. I stay behind the peacekeepers and pull out the gun from my inner jacket pocket. And the dagger from my boot. It is not optimal but will have to do. I hold the gun to the back of one's head and the dagger to one's throat

"Go. I will take care of this", I say, my voice deeper than usual and their eyes find mine, and of course, they recognize me. I shake my head.

"Keep quiet", I order and urge them with a movement of my head to leave. Once they do I decide not to kill them. I don't want to. I don't want to have more blood on my hands, so I just take a deep breath and hit them with the butt of the gun. It is an awful sound, but better than death. I look down at them, remove their guns and return to the main square which is completely empty.