Querencia | Finnick Odair

Chapter XXVII

The events the next morning happen very fast. Katniss drops tracker jackers, is turning back for weapons, Peeta protects her and then she passes out. Glimmer dies and Finnicks' second tribute does as well. And then it's silent. And it stays like that for the day, so Finnick, Johanna, who also lost her tributes, and I head out to an all you can eat buffet. We stuff ourselves with fried rice, sushi, teriyaki chicken and many different foods. It reminds me of the food my grandfather used to cook and for a short moment, my hand balls into a tight fist, my nails piercing my skin. My two friends notice and Finnick slowly opens my hand, putting a napkin on the small wounds.

Johanna drags me to the bathroom with her. "You alright?" "Yeah, just, my grandpa used to make teriyaki and cocossoup and I just, sometimes I miss them so much."

Johanna pulls me into a hug. "I know. I miss my sister and my parents, but there is nothing we can do about it now. We can just try to make our lives as good as they get. Okay?"

I nod and feel like I am twelve, not 19, well almost twenty by now.

"Come on. They serve awesome cake here." "Okay", I smile and we return to our seats with our cake. Finnick looks at me questioningly, but I smile and we make fun of the people around us. More than once children and even adults walk up to us and ask for autographs and we smile and say 'of course', 'sure', 'no problem honey' and sign photos on phones and tablets, play swords and body parts.

"Well, I am stuffed and tired. Let's go back", I suggest and they agree. It has become a habit for us to not take a limousine, since I had a meltdown the last time we tried, because it reminded me too much of driving to my appointments. Johanna understood immediately and we got out of the car. Since then we walk and I quite enjoy it. As much as I hate the people in the Capitol, the city itself is beautiful and the many shops fascinate me every time. We pass a antiquariat and I stop my companions.

"Can you wait two seconds?", I question as I excitedly view the clothes and books in the store window.

"We'll come with you. Otherwise you'll come out with more than you can carry", Johanna grins and we enter the store.

"Oh my god, they have these beaded dresses! And look at these books. It is one of the first 'The land of the fae' and oh my god, this painting. It's like the starry night I painted only better!", I gush and I see Finnick smile fondly, while Johanna chuckles.

"What?", I question.

"You just light up when you are in stores like this and it's nice to see you happy" , Finnick explains and I smile, but am distracted by a polaroid camera.

"Look at this! I want this!", I exclaim and turn to the owner, "do you sell the photos with it?"

The owner nods and I buy the camera, before dragging the two of them into the clothing department of the shop. "

Finnick you need to try this!", I grin as I hold up a pink tuxedo and Johanna laughs. "Only if you wear this", Finnick fires back and holds out a yellow dress made out of feathers. "Deal"

We change and the moment we step out of the changing rooms Johanna bursts out laughing. "You have to see yourself. Oh my...this is hilarious", she says between laughs and decides that the first polaroid we are going to take with the camera is of Finnick and I in these ridiculous outfits. We pose, not being able to contain our laughter and it shows in the picture. Finnick beaming at me in a pink, a little too tight tuxedo and me, full on laughing while there are feathers not only on my dress but my hair as well.

It is late at night once we arrive back at the training center. Nothing happened in the arena, except for Rue helping Katniss and the Careers trying to recover from the tracker jacker venom and Peeta disguising himself at the rivers edge.

"Well, lets hope something happens soon. Otherwise they might send in some mutts, to 'spice' it up", I grumble as we watch the days recap on Finnicks' floor, where we are joined by Mags. The old woman nods slowly and grabs my hand patting it.

"It's fine. Mutts don't scare me anymore, as long as they don't hunt me."
She gives me a smile and the four of us look through the channels. We give up soon and just put on the channel which shows the newest gossip. It is ridiculous, so ridiculous that it is almost funny. But then a headline makes my face drain of blood.

"Jacob Anderlis. One of the most valued advisors of Minister Packard is now climbing up ranks. Rumor says that he might become Snows advisor in less than half a year from now.."

That name. It is branded into my mind. And my mind goes into a frenzy. I am back in that apartment, I am back in the elevator and back to feeling worthless and dirty.

I don't want to remember, but I do, I remember how powerless I felt, how invaded and how used.

I just stare, while my body is shaking. I feel the eyes on me and I feel my stomach twist. I try to get up, move to the bathroom, but my legs give out and I tumble to the floor. My friends try to get to me and help me stand up, but I slap their hands away and stumble towards the bathroom, where I empty the buffet into the toilet.

Johanna follows me into the bathroom.

"What happened?", she questions.

"What happened? Snow happened. That guy happened. The past two years happened", I exclaim, fed up with my body reacting so badly. That I can't turn it off and have so many small moments where I freeze up, where my mind wanders or days where I just can't get out of bed. I was weak. Johanna just nods slowly.

"But you aren't pregnant are you?"

"No! God, I refresh my contraceptive every 6 month. I don't want to have a rapists baby."

Johanna grimaces.

"That's the dude, isn't it? The first?", she questions and I stay silent and she has her answer.

"Well, clean up and go to sleep, you look like crap", she mumbles and leaves.

Finnick and Mags are conversing and Mags looks at me with pity and Finnick's eyes hold anger.

I just sit down on the couch again and lean back. They changed the channel and we are back to watching the games.

Finnick moves towards me slowly, asking with his eyes if it's okay. He puts his arm around my shoulders and I put my head on his shoulder. Finnick makes me feel safe. I think about what he asked or offered. Being his girlfriend would be great, but I don't think that anything would or could change. We aren't allowed to visit each other in our districts and public affection would be off the table as well. And then there is the issue of our bodies being sold. Why would he want to be with somebody that is regularly touched and used by other men. Why would he want me, a murderer with panic attacks, at all? But he is there and he told me that he would be willing to risk it. Why aren't I overjoyed? With these thoughts in mind, I drift off.