Unexplainable

The first 143

Bryan's perspective:
     I didn't feel or realize how I got from the bar to the car. Anger had taken over me, or so I thought. It was a strange feeling, I don't know how I could describe it. If I had watched the scene from the perspective of someone sitting on his couch watching the dramatic film, I would probably have seen myself coming out of the bar angry, and Chase being caught at the table with Alexa. But from the perspective of the lead actor, it felt as if someone had snatched my soul and thrown it on the ground, and the body, unable to do anything, had simply left the room. The image of the two of them unfolded endlessly in my head, sitting at the table, kissing.
     I didn't realize where I was going, but my apartment was not where I wanted to go. I drove until I reached a parking lot. I got out of the car and went to the park where, as a child, I took refuge, watching the sea struggle, as my thoughts did. I found the story funny. I trusted "my boyfriend", I trusted that he could not think of that girl in any other way than as a friend, and yet...
      I sat down on an old bench and rested my head on my back, closing my eyes, trying to process what had just happened. What would happen if we didn't go inside?  I was so confused. I didn't know how to feel. Ever since I met Chase, I had no control over myself, over my feelings, I couldn't describe or figure out how I was feeling, and that pissed me off. My breathing had gone crazy and I could feel a panic attack coming. I opened my eyes and tried to calm down, watching the waves of the sea and trying to disconnect, but without success. Chase and the bar scene were swirling through my mind, and I couldn't stop it. Is that how love felt? I tried to remember the last few weeks with him, and my mind stopped on one night. It was one of those nights when I watched Chase sleep. I was leaning on my elbow and stroking his hair, thinking about the day we spent together. "I'd like to be able to describe how I feel about you." I was saying these things in a whisper, just for me and him. I was trying to avoid the eyes of the world, even though we were alone in my apartment and Chase was fast asleep. I just wanted him to hear what I was saying, but not right then. I would unload my thoughts on the nights when I felt like I was going crazy because of them. I wanted to scream out of my lungs, tell him exactly how I felt, but I wasn't ready... not yet. "I wish I could tell you how happy you make me feel... tell you that I love you, Chase. I'd love to tell you that. Maybe one day I'll have the courage to look you in the eyes and..." But I couldn't finish what I wanted to say to him, because Chase had moved and turned his back on me. I left my speech hanging, put my head on the pillow and wrapped my hand around him. I had dreamed of him that night.
      I was a coward, a sucker who had no idea how to express his feelings. I was so inexperienced in this field. My parents were, for the most part, absent from my life in the moments when I needed them most, and when I tried to attach myself to someone, I would fuck up the situation every time. I didn't love anyone until now, or at least I didn't feel all the things I feel for Chase. And now, when I wanted to feel nothing of what I was feeling, I couldn't make them disappear. I couldn't get rid of all the emotions when I wanted the most not to have them anymore.
- I knew I'd find you here, said a voice behind me.
    I didn't sketch a move. Chase sat down on the bench next to me, watching the sea. I didn't know what was going to happen, but I was hoping I wouldn't go crazy.
- Bryan... I can explain, he said, turning his head toward me.
- I don't want to hear, I said in a neutral tone.
- Please, Bryan, let me explain what happened. I only need one minute, after that you can make whatever decision you want, just let me explain. Please.
     He had turned completely to look at me, but he was not touching me. I turned to him and looked into his hazel eyes, which in that light looked fascinating but bathed in tears. That's when I decided to give him a chance to explain himself.
- We're working on the project. After 15 minutes, Alexa had pulled her chair closer to me and started talking about you and Denise. She was telling all kinds of lies about you two, and I was trying to focus on the project. She had started to touch my arm and was getting more and more sticky. When I asked her to focus on the project, she had kissed me. It took me by surprise, I didn't know how to react. Then you entered.
      He stopped. He was still looking at me, and I was looking straight, watching the waves. Do I believe him? Obviously I do. How could I not to? But something wouldn't let me talk and tell him it's okay, that I forgive him. After a long silence, Chase spoke again.
- Bryan, you just know I would never hurt you on purpose. I would never do anything that would hurt you. I... I love you, Bryan.
      My breathing stopped when I heard the words he had said, and my heartbeat became silent. I was amazed. I turned my head toward him, and saw streams of tears trickled down his cheeks.
- What did you say? it was the only thing I managed to say.
- I love you, he had repeated and come closer to me. And I know you love me too. That night... I wasn't sleeping, Bryan. I heard you. I heard every word. Since that night, I've been thinking about what you said. I have tried many times to tell you that I feel the same way for you, but every time the words stopped on the tip of my tongue. Every night, after wishing you good night, I add a "I love you" in my mind, and every morning I did the same.
- Why haven't you said anything untill now? I asked angrily.
     I felt angry, but at the same time I wanted to take him in my arms and wipe away his tears, and a small particle of me would have wanted to cry in his arms.
- I was afraid of your reaction, he said without breaking eye contact. I was thinking maybe... maybe you wouldn't want to hear it...
- Did you think I might not want to hear how you feel about me? I said, raising my voice. I wanted to hear these words from your mouth every night and every day. I thought I was going crazy, I couldn't keep them to myself anymore. I wanted to shout from my lungs that I love you, and you were afraid of the reaction I would have had?
     At that moment, the only thing that crossed my mind was to kiss him, and that's what I did. I grabbed his cheeks in my hands and pulled him towards me, kissing him as those in the movies kiss after a heated argument. Chase put his fingers in my hair and we were both carried away by the wave, kissing in a park, as if we were the only two people on the planet.
- I think your lips taste like Alexa, I said, laughing after we stopped.
- Can you forgive me? said Chase.
     I looked into his eyes, which I never got tired of, and I realized that, in fact, it wasn't his fault either. I had forgiven him since I heard his voice behind me. I nodded, and Chase threw his hands around my neck.
- I'm so sorry, he said, burying his face in my neck.
- It's not your fault, baby, I said.
     I didn't realize the words I had said. Chase withdrew from the hug and looked at me surprised.
- Baby? he asked me with a smile on his face.
- Yeah. It had been on my tongue for a while, I confessed.
- Say it again.
- Baby...
     He had pounced on my lips, kissing me hard, then he buried his face in my neck. We sat for a few minutes looking at the sunset. It was one of the most beautiful sunsets I had ever seen. After about half an hour, the sun was gone, and it was getting cold outside.
- Let's go home, I said. How did you get here?
- I took my mother's car, he said.
    We both headed home, holding hands. For moments like these I was living.