The Books that Never made it

In our Christmas forever

The snow fell down in white feathery tuffs from the deep purple black sky night.

I looked out the window, my chin resting on the cool glass as I watched the snow fall. The yard was already blanketed with it, not to mention the street which was hardly driveable. School had been out for about a week now, and even the chance was there was to sleep in, I didn’t sleep in a single day. I hardly even slept. Whatever it was, it was just enough to get me by.

         Outside I watched the snowman Carter, my little brother and I had made earlier today. It stood still and round with its uneven snow body, a scarf dangling down from its neck. Its nose stuck crooked and its short bent twigs for arms hung low by its side. The snowman almost looked content staring out at the empty road that went right past our house. I bet it could felt more content than I did right about now.

It was that time of year again. It was time to decorate houses with pretty colors, the standard pine green, ruby red and aqua blue with the sometimes icy white. Mariah Carey’s ‘All I want for Christmas is you’ rang triumphantly on a loop until Christmas was over. For most people, it was cuddling by the fire, sharing a sweet kiss under the mistletoe and crunching down on candy canes, but for me, it was staring out the window at the snow that cascaded down on the Christmas Eve night.

         I looked out on to the road and gazed at the black road that wound right past our house.

I could see him.

Standing leaned up as usual against his sleek black motor bike, hands stuffed into his pockets with dark jeans, and a black leather jacket. He looked like James Dean. Even from here, I saw his cheeky smile, flaunting her perfect straight A teeth. Princess Peach blonde hair that was short and coiffed just like a Clark Kent/superman.

But then he was gone.

         I blinked and all I saw was the snowy yard, an icy black road, and a still snowman that sat there innocently.

I bit back tears that pushed their way to the surface and gritted my teeth as I sucked in a shaky breath.

         It was only last Christmas I’d lost Nickolas. We’d been together for four years, but it felt like we’d been forever. From the curl of his dark hair to his old worn converse, I loved him. I was sure of it. Just like in a fairytale, we’d ride his motorbike into the sunset and onward just for the hell of it. Every Friday we went for a sundae at Dairy Queen and he’d end up sharing his banana split because he always could never finish it. Even though he was lactose intolerant, he still had ice cream with me so I didn’t feel like a pig. “Ugh, I’m gonna hate myself after this,” he would always say just before the first spoonful.

         After the week was over, we’d go down to the beach and I’d sit on the warm golden sand and I'd watch as he pretended to know how to surf. I couldn’t remember laughing harder watching as his legs flew up into the air as he tumbled off his board. I’d always sit and watch, never going in the water, a fear brought on by watching Jaws too many times. “If there’s anything in this water, darlin’, it’ll have to go through me first,” he’d say when I put up a fuss.