The Books that Never made it

Forgive me father for I have sinned

Sweat dribbled off my forehead as hot and cold sweats came over me like an autumn wind. I crouched on a thin tattered blanket that was cool from the cold cement. The basement was dank, and smelled of moldy walls and wood. It was dark, only lit by the small flame of a candle that was at my feet.

I groaned and felt my stomach cramp up as the pressure came on again. I shoved my back against the wall, laying my hands on my enlarged stomach. My jaw throbbed, tired from gritting my teeth together.

Jesus god let this be over soon.

I groaned jerking in pain as I pushed, tears trailing down my cheeks.

          My mind flashed back to the end of school party that was thrown every year. I remembered all the fun I had with all of my friends, eating, laughing and Josh—oh, Josh. All he had to do was flash that amazing smile at me and it was all over. He was new here and picked me like a ripen berry. He’d had me then. I remembered how hot his body was, how soft his skin felt; how every touch, caress, sent tingles all through my body. Whenever he whispered into my ear, low and dangerous, I felt like a lonely buffalo separated from the heard, in the clutches of its prey. And now look where I was, in a dark basement with my first child on the way.

I pushed again, trembling with both pain and fear mixed together in a strong concoction. I cried out and twisted against the wall, clenching my hands together so hard I could feel the distant sting of my nail going through the flesh.

Please, stop, god help me!

I panted, breathing in and out quickly. I leaned my head back and reached down with my hand to the damp blanket beneath me. I pulled away and glanced at the tip of my fingers.

Blood.

Swallowing, my fingers trembled as I set them down beside me. It felt like I was going to explode from all the pressure. I pushed again, holding my hand over my mouth to muffle my screams.

          I thought of Josh and his light beautiful cunning eyes gleaming at me. How I wished those eyes were on me now, his hand holding mind, tender and sweet, holding my hand, combing his fingers through my hair whispering to me, ‘It’ll be alright baby, it’ll be alright.’

          At first I’d stalled. It was the summer break and it had been weeks since my last period. I should’ve have ended it right there, gone for help, gotten rid of it all, but for some strange reason that burned down in my gut. I’d ignored it; the swelling, the morning sickness; prolonged it, prolonged my soon to be suffering which happened to be now.

I panted and looked up to the dark ceiling and sucked in a huge breath, silently pushing.

1…2…3…4…5—

          There was a gushy water noise and then the pain slowly faded away. I slumped against the wall, my head lolling exhaustedly to one side and then the other. Panting slowly now, I glanced down between my open legs and down to the white blanket that was drenched in blood and other liquids. There, lying at my ankles was a pink mewling little thing, red and sticky with blood. I sat up properly so I could lean over with my shaking hands, lifting it on to my chest.

It was a girl.

          I let out a half hearted tired chuckle as the baby started to cry. It was a labored wail, her face contorted with discomfort as she tried to settle properly in my arms.

          “Shh,” I whispered reaching over and grabbing my hoodie and bundling it up all tight, warming her against my chest.

          She was a small little thing, her face was wrinkled and the top of her head was darkened with the little hairs that were starting to grow.