Sometimes You Don't Want to Be Okay - Kellic

Stay Alive, for Me

The past week I spent at the hospital, Kellin never seemed to leave my side. I was on suicide watch the whole time, and it was considered I be sent away somewhere I could be helped, but fortunately I wasn't. For one, it was apparently "hard" to get a room for someone on weekends, and two I told them I was fine. Obviously they didn't take my word for it, and they had every right to be doubtful on my words, but nonetheless they didn't send me there.

I was given a phychiatrist the first day, then scheduled for therapy and, who would've guessed it, antidepressants. In truth I didn't trust myself with the things, I wouldn't take them because I strongly resented them, but they'd still be there. At any moment I could take them, too much of them.

But did I have a choice? Not really. Could I tell them my concerns? Absolutely not. That week I was recovering from my injuries, they watched me as I took them, making sure I wasn't faking anything. Kellin especially, he was so concerned. Asking if I was hungry, if I needed something, how I was. In a way, it was annoying, but I understood where he was coming from. If something like this happened to him, I wouldn't let him out of my sight for weeks.

And then it was Friday, and I was finally let out. Kellin signed the papers of my discharge and held my hand tightly while we walked out, the same as he had when I first woke up, as if I could slip away at any moment.

"You have your pills?" Kellin confirmed with me, giving my hand a small squeeze.

"Please don't refer to them as that," I groaned. "But yes, I do." I nodded to my front pocket with a large bulge, being my bottle of antidepressants.

"Okay. I love you."

"Hey, what's wrong?" I stopped walking and made him look at me.

"You just had me so scared," his voice barely a whisper. Tears filled his glassy eyes, his glassy beautiful eyes, while he looked at me.

"It's okay, I'm okay," I assured him.

"But are you? Really? I thought you were doing so well, and then I come home but you're not there. And then Jaime called me-" His voice broke and he hid his face in my chest. "Why? Did I do something? Did someone say something?"

"Remember that day, when it was supposed to be three months of me being clean?" I pulled away to look at him, he nodded. "That day, you went to get your drunk friends, but before you did- I was about to break down, I just wasn't because you were there. But then you left and I- I relapsed, and ever since then I just fell apart. I didn't see a point in getting better, for you or for anyone."

"Fuck, I'm sorry. If I hadn't left-"

"I still would have relapsed, maybe on a later date or maybe during the night. But nothing could prevent it. But hey, I'm alive now, right? I'm okay, I'll be okay," I assured him, or maybe I was assuring myself. Even though I knew I was far from okay- That craving, the sick, loud craving for pain was there, the need to close my eyes and not wake up, was there. I was losing hope it would ever go away, but for Kellin I'd ignore it. I'd go on, and maybe it'd just leave me alone eventually. One day it would say "adieu, so long, auf wiedersehen!" And I'd be okay. Right? Maybe some fantasies come true, after all, look at the raven haired boy in front of me. That was a fantasy no one imagined would come true, at least not for me.

"You better be," Kellin muttered, pulling me into a long, sweet kiss. "Because if I lose you, I lose.. everything."

"That's not true- You still have Gabe and Justin, Jack and-"

"I lose you, and all I need is you," Kellin cut me off. "So do me a favor, and stay alive a little longer."

"I'll try."

~_~_~_~

Sorry science teacher, but k3llic is far more interesting than my immune system

I'm debating what to do with this- because theres a number of messes I can throw in.. ooohhhhh~ I know

well,

~uwu~
<3