Sometimes You Don't Want to Be Okay - Kellic

Unintentional

Vic's POV

I was curled on the couch, cuddling the teddy bear Kelly.

Kellin had left an hour ago. He said he'd be home by eleven; it was ten.

I'd taken my jacket off, revealing all evidence of my dark pleasures. I hadn't done it again, it had been a week since my last time, but they were still there. My skin sure took it's time healing, so marks from last time were still there. Not to mention the inevitable scars I could already see.

Just five minutes ago I was full of energy. Pacing around and listening to music and acting weird. But that's the first step; acting excited and energetic to keep the thoughts out before it slowly dissipates into heavy crying. In that bubbly stage, I at first didn't realize what could and probably would happen if I didn't do something. I felt a tiny numbness, but the energy covered it up to a bearable extent.

I'd moved on. I wasn't energetic. I was tired, unmotivated and desperately trying to stop my mind before it gave thoughts I didn't want.

I held Kelly close, burying my face in his neck and breathing in slowly.

That was it. I started crying into the teddy bear. I barely cried during times like these, it was more so a deep numbness that grew into panting and desperately searching for something to take the feeling away. Sometimes I cried, of course, and I guess this was one of those times.

I missed the sting. I wanted the blood. As messy as it could become, I needed the blood coming out of my arm that soon became a painful sting. I needed the ecstasy of those fresh uncleaned cuts rubbing against my shirt, being pulled when I purposely stretched my arms.

I needed them.

My lip quivered. I got up and slowly walked to my backpack. It was slow, pulling out the scissors and fiddling with them.

Just do it. Just do it. Just do it

I opened the scissors and lightly set one blade over my arm, but I didn't do anything. After a moment, I dropped the scissors and scrambled back quickly, as if in fear.

It was like my senses were heightened now. I was scared of the little noises. I wanted to cower against the wall but I didn't want to be touched. I wanted to stay still and wait it over but I wanted to run around. Doing one of those thing too long resulted in me spasming out. Until finally I made up my mind.

I rushed to the scissors, reopening them. I slashed down my arm without thought. It wasn't quick, but it wasn't delayed either. It was just the right time, just the right length, that made me wince as it dragged across my arm. Blood came crawling out almost immediately.

I hadn't realized what I'd done until I caught myself smiling down at the blood.

I cursed, regretting it instantly. I dropped the scissors, releasing a clang from the metal floors. I began to crawl away from it quickly, trying to stop the incessant blood seeping out. The doorknob turned. My head whipped to it's direction, my body paralyzing as Kellin opened the door. We locked eyes, his saying something I couldn't read, while I stared hopelessly.

"What happened- Fuck." He saw my bleeding arm and rushed to the kitchen to grab paper towels.

"Hold these against the cut," he ordered, handing me the folded paper towels. I did as he instructed and waited while he rushed around. Eventually he took my scissors.

"H-Hey, wait!" I called.

He glanced at me. "What?"

"D-Don't throw those away, please," I whimpered.

Kellin sighed, kneeling down to look me in the eye. "I want you to get better. I want to see you smile. I want to come back from an event and see you in the apartment peaceful. I want to see your arms clean of any cuts. I want you to be happy," he said. "The first step was realizing you had a problem, then wanting to get better, now it's getting rid of this." He shook the scissors lightly.

"P-Please," I whispered, shaking my head. "I regret it, I do.. I want to be better, but I can't see those thrown away. They hold a.. value to me."

"Okay," Kellin breathed. "I'm going to take these away from you, I'm going to hide them. And when you're ready, we'll throw them out."

I nodded. If this sudden desire to get better disappeared, Kellin realize what a lost cause I am possibly, I could use them again. Getting scissors or an even better object was easy, but I didn't like the thought of using something different than the familiar worn down red and grey scissors I'd been using since high school.

"O-Okay," I nodded.

He nodded as well, setting the scissors on the nightstand to be taken care of while he went back to me.

He took my hand off the paper towel for a moment, and when no blood had seeped through, he grabbed a bandage and wrapped it around my arm.

"I learned in middle school not to take off the gauze, in this case paper towel, for whatever medical reason. If blood seeped through, add another thing of gauze," Kellin explained while he finished bandaging me.

"It was just one cut.. You didn't need to do this much," I mumbled.

"Shut up," Kellin pouted, kissing my cheek. He leaned back, realizing what he'd done. "Fuck, sorry, instinct, I-I-"

I giggled, something I didn't know I'd be able to do in the state I was in. "Its okay." It was okay. We were still just friends.

And maybe I liked his little kisses.

Kellin helps me up into the bed and tucks me in, getting in on the other side. I felt him wrap his arms around me, but that was normal at this point.

"Can we talk about it?" He asked me.

"What do you mean?" I questioned, glancing back at him.

"What happened? Why you.."

"I just.. was happy, too happy and energetic, and then it just.. dissolved into that. I tried," I whispered. "I tried so hard not to do it.. I-I just-" my voice cracked.

"Shh." He soothingly played with my hair. "Its okay."

We sat in silence for awhile, I was almost asleep when he spoke again.

"Vic?"

"Hm?"

"Do you really wanna die?"

I didn't answer.

mY eLbOwS

I ran out of blankets, so I got these thin shitty blankets and a really cold room, but my doggo is keeping me warm so I'm really hap

I sleepe now, before I sleep through school a g a i n